I am a salesperson....not at heart, but by trade. I have been in sales for over 10yrs now and it appears I will be here for a while. In my professional world, as a salesperson, I have become somewhat of a MASTER of messaging. I don't write long emails where you have to scroll down to see entire message, I use non-offensive words to get hard messages across and I always ask if I am understood or if that was the information they were looking for. I try to be very clear and consistent with my words and my actions. To date, I have done a pretty good job with this : ) **pats self on the back**
Early on in my career, one of my mentors stressed to me the importance of a message track. My message track needed to be composed of three parts: performace, image exposure (PIE). And that I needed to have a 30 sec elevator speech about what I do well and how I add value to bottom line. Since that time, I have held 3 different roles and have moved on to a new company, but at the drop of a dime I can recite my message track to any level. "I manage distribution, pricing, merchandising and shelf placement of branded grocery products at a major retail chain in Southeast consisting of over 1600 stores and manage $45M trade budget where I have grown my product share in canned prepared pasta and oils to 80% and 16% respectively; in the top 10 of any U.S. retailer. I am looking for opportunities to greater utilize and develop my skills in category management, consumer analytics and emerging market trends." It changes depending on the time and recent accomplishment, but the base is always the same: I am a manager in CPG sales with national retailer, I grow volume & share and I have the technical skills to do it. PERIOD. But today's post is not about my professional message track, it's about my personal(dating)one.....or lack thereof.
I assumed that my intentions and actions were clear about what I wanted from the opposite sex. I don't dress too provocatively, I don't engage in bedroom talk, I have a 5 finger rule.......I mean I am doing all the right stuff to let a man know that I am not trying to "kick it" or be a "bed buddy" or "homey/lover/friend"....................or so I thought. But I was getting into situations where I was "mad cool" and "so accommodating" and "the homey" but never the GIRLFRIEND. Now in my mind, I could chalk all this up to men being dogs and only wanting one thing..........but the truth is, these were good guys. The problem was not with them, it was with ME.
I wanted to look available but not desperate, sexy but not slutty, classy but not bougie, valuable but not high maintenance. That's a LOT of work. It's easy to get mixed up when you're tying to do too much. So here's the question, if I'm acting and carrying myself as a lady then what ELSE do I have to do to make my message clear? And why in the world did he approach ME like that but Shanna got top shelf treatment?? Do we really wanna know the answer???? It's SOOOOO simple. JUST SAY IT!!!!! Period. Point. Blank.
My issue was I expected the guy to understand from my actions that I was looking for a relationship(P). I expected him to interpret my intentions from my image(I); I'm a good girl :). And these were actually good guys who weren't out to do anyone wrong so I wasn't getting bad exposure(E). My PIE was in order. But the main ingredient was missing; I had no message track. I did not say that at this time in my life, my purpose for dating is to meet some one with whom I could potentially build a life. That I love to have a good time and chill as much as the next one, but intimacy would not be involved on that level. Instead, I smiled pretty, was easy to get along with and didn't say anything that would ruffle feathers. Why? Because I wanted him to like me. After he liked me, THEN I could say the things I wanted to say. But that's too late.....because by then I like him. And I become more willing to let time slide and accept less than what I want. And having that hard conversation is scary...we are afraid to sate our feelings for fear of the repercussions. But regardless if I say it now or say it later, the repercussions are there. Here's an important lesson I learned at thirty: whether I say it out loud or not, I still want it. So either I have to not want it anymore or state I want it and go after it. Hey, it's worked very well in my professional life....might as well try it personally.
My other issue was not listening. No, not that I talked too much or was focused on me, but I didn't pay attention to the signals right in front of me. Maya Angelou said "when a man tells you who he is, believe him" If he jokingly says that he is no good for a woman right now, HE MEANS IT. You're not going to change his mind. If you ask him what his intentions are and he hems and haws and says "sees where things are going" but doesn't give specifics....LISTEN UP!! He may see how wonderful and what a great catch you are and change his mind, but don't hold your breath. LOL!
Another issue I had was with trying to be the coach.....multiple dating....or the "bench". You know, date several people at the same time and see who steps up to be the starting point guard.......Yeah, it didn't work for me either. LOL! I think that only works for men. Between work, family, friends, AKA, JLC, church, Zumba, the gym, etc my schedule can't fit a bench. "Ain't nobody got time for that" Sweet "Georgia" Brown You know it's time to stop pretending to play when you completely forgot some one on your team even existed. LOL! And I also deem myself a loyalist.....if I like you, I like YOU. Once I truly like you, I don't have the urge to think or look for anyone else. Now, I'm not saying that if I'm single that I'm not going to be open to other single guys just because I have a little crush on a guy who asked for my number......because I most definitely am.......I'm just not going to have a rotating line-up.
So the older I get, the more open and honest I have become. I am very open that I love making new friends and hanging out, but I am not remotely interested in a casual sexual relationship. I am dating to meet some one with whom I could potentially build a life. I kinda like Regine's line from Living Single: "I don't date; I audition life partners" I'm constantly working on my PIE because it is essential to achieving the things I desire, but more importantly, it is essential to eliminating the things I don't.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
My Birthday is Approaching.......
My 33rd birthday is in December so I'm reposting this as a "note to self"......I do this as I am writing about mixed messages women send : 0
30 Things I Learned by 30
1. If you have a problem, come with a solution ~ otherwise no one cares
2. Quiet time is PRICELESS
3. Pay yourself first – spiritually, emotionally, financially
4. Crying and laughing is good for the soul
5. God has a flair for the dramatics and a wicked sense of humor
6. The best relationships are the ones you approach with what you can give, not what you can get
7. Paying tithes truly increases your finances
8. Family can be defined by more than blood
9. There is strength and courage in walking away
10. When a man tells you who he is, believe him – thanks Maya A.
11. I have better things to do with my time than clean my house
12. No one really cares what you look like in your swimsuit
13. Gas stations are NOT the place to meet potential life mates
14. A smile goes a long way
15. I do not need to be accessible all the time
16. You can only pretend for so long, eventually the truth comes out
17. God created 8:30 services for football Sundays
18. Pray Until Something Happens
19. Personal business is just that; personal
20. Stuff happens. All the time. To everybody. Not just you. Deal with it.
21. Business casual is not a dress code
22. There’s nothing better for confidence than a good pair of jeans
23. Investing in a 401(k), VUL, IRA, money market account, & savings account is sexy
24. Spending a little money to get your clothes altered to fit and your shoes fixed goes a long way
25. Silence is the best negotiation, information gathering ,anger diffusing and ignorance defense tactic there is
26. Even if it means that my hair is going to look a mess, I’m hitting the gym!
27. I can’t vacation or shop with everyone and I can’t stay in just any hotel; I have a little bourgeoisie in me
28. Never tell your family how much or little money you make; just asking for trouble
29. Use every day of vacation time you get; EVERYDAY – thanks H. Mapp
30. I can go out to eat, go to the movies, travel and go out by myself and LOVE it
30 Things I Learned by 30
1. If you have a problem, come with a solution ~ otherwise no one cares
2. Quiet time is PRICELESS
3. Pay yourself first – spiritually, emotionally, financially
4. Crying and laughing is good for the soul
5. God has a flair for the dramatics and a wicked sense of humor
6. The best relationships are the ones you approach with what you can give, not what you can get
7. Paying tithes truly increases your finances
8. Family can be defined by more than blood
9. There is strength and courage in walking away
10. When a man tells you who he is, believe him – thanks Maya A.
11. I have better things to do with my time than clean my house
12. No one really cares what you look like in your swimsuit
13. Gas stations are NOT the place to meet potential life mates
14. A smile goes a long way
15. I do not need to be accessible all the time
16. You can only pretend for so long, eventually the truth comes out
17. God created 8:30 services for football Sundays
18. Pray Until Something Happens
19. Personal business is just that; personal
20. Stuff happens. All the time. To everybody. Not just you. Deal with it.
21. Business casual is not a dress code
22. There’s nothing better for confidence than a good pair of jeans
23. Investing in a 401(k), VUL, IRA, money market account, & savings account is sexy
24. Spending a little money to get your clothes altered to fit and your shoes fixed goes a long way
25. Silence is the best negotiation, information gathering ,anger diffusing and ignorance defense tactic there is
26. Even if it means that my hair is going to look a mess, I’m hitting the gym!
27. I can’t vacation or shop with everyone and I can’t stay in just any hotel; I have a little bourgeoisie in me
28. Never tell your family how much or little money you make; just asking for trouble
29. Use every day of vacation time you get; EVERYDAY – thanks H. Mapp
30. I can go out to eat, go to the movies, travel and go out by myself and LOVE it
Monday, September 24, 2012
The Truth about Men
In my mind, I think of myself as a mix of Dr. Phil, Sista Soulja and Iyanla. Now, no one has ever told me that....haven't even come close but that's how my mind operates so work with me here. I say this because I am always analyzing my feeling and emotions; or trying to figure out why this was said or done; or what makes people tick. I have no psychology degree and don't remember much from the 1 psych class I did take back in 2000, but I consider myself an expert in various realms of human nature. I give a lot of advice and share my wisdom with friends, family and strangers alike....but I always give the caveat "but I don't know what I'm talking about so take this with a grain of salt"....just so I won't be held responsible for a catastrophe that I am SURE is yet to come from my unsolicited and at times unwarranted advice.
The topic I know the LEAST about is men(unmarried)...strange creatures who defy the concept of MY logic. LOL! But it's one of my favorite topics to shed "my" wisdom and light on....here are a few of my favorites :)
1. I'mma call you right back means I'm doing something more important/entertaining than talking to you but I don't know how to tell you that
2. They only answer the question that is asked....which is so unlike women. We have a need to fill in the blanks
3. Are selective with their "prime time" (Fri- Sun 6:00PM - 11:00PM)........if you're not getting it, you're not "selected"
4. Have a NEED to comment on women's body parts/etc when surrounded by other dudes.......no offense intended
5. Never really notice much about our hair...just that it's neat or tidy.....all that time we spend flat ironing and curling...SMH
6. If they're under 30, will never have enough towels, sheets, silverware etc......but have all the latest electronics
7. Love to take the garbage out for you......for real
8. Don't do closure......that's definitely a woman thing
9. Will call tennis shoes, gadgets and cars sexy but won't notice you exfoliated, buffed, baby oiled up and spent over an hr getting ready
10. Are afraid of and want to immediately lie about 3 questions...1)What did you do last night? 2)Can we talk? 3)Can I go/Am I invited?
11. Like to cuddle too :)
12. Don't mind co-ed baby showers, but hate the opening gifts portion
13. Invented the "pulse" check.........they can't imagine you continuing to breathe and live a normal life after they left
14. EVERY football game is important........bball, not so much
15. Hate to see you cry......even if it's your fault
16. Think they have a chance if you smile and say hello.......for real
17. Won't ask you the questions they don't want to be asked
18. Understand all the entendres in rap songs but are LOST when you talk about reality TV
19. Go to sleep and wake up to Sports Center......even tho they replay the SAME stories all week
20. Show affection by actions......not words
But I don't know what I'm talking about, so take this with a grain of salt : )
The topic I know the LEAST about is men(unmarried)...strange creatures who defy the concept of MY logic. LOL! But it's one of my favorite topics to shed "my" wisdom and light on....here are a few of my favorites :)
1. I'mma call you right back means I'm doing something more important/entertaining than talking to you but I don't know how to tell you that
2. They only answer the question that is asked....which is so unlike women. We have a need to fill in the blanks
3. Are selective with their "prime time" (Fri- Sun 6:00PM - 11:00PM)........if you're not getting it, you're not "selected"
4. Have a NEED to comment on women's body parts/etc when surrounded by other dudes.......no offense intended
5. Never really notice much about our hair...just that it's neat or tidy.....all that time we spend flat ironing and curling...SMH
6. If they're under 30, will never have enough towels, sheets, silverware etc......but have all the latest electronics
7. Love to take the garbage out for you......for real
8. Don't do closure......that's definitely a woman thing
9. Will call tennis shoes, gadgets and cars sexy but won't notice you exfoliated, buffed, baby oiled up and spent over an hr getting ready
10. Are afraid of and want to immediately lie about 3 questions...1)What did you do last night? 2)Can we talk? 3)Can I go/Am I invited?
11. Like to cuddle too :)
12. Don't mind co-ed baby showers, but hate the opening gifts portion
13. Invented the "pulse" check.........they can't imagine you continuing to breathe and live a normal life after they left
14. EVERY football game is important........bball, not so much
15. Hate to see you cry......even if it's your fault
16. Think they have a chance if you smile and say hello.......for real
17. Won't ask you the questions they don't want to be asked
18. Understand all the entendres in rap songs but are LOST when you talk about reality TV
19. Go to sleep and wake up to Sports Center......even tho they replay the SAME stories all week
20. Show affection by actions......not words
But I don't know what I'm talking about, so take this with a grain of salt : )
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Officially Missing You
Last month, my co-worker's wife passed away after a yr. and a half battle with melanoma. When I heard the news, I cried my eyes out. She was 59 yrs old, was married and had 4 grown sons and a darling 2yr old grandson. I cried because I knew how much she was loved and that she was going to be dearly missed. And they don't make them any better than my co-worker, Tommy. He is absolutely one of the nicest people that I have ever met; and his boys are just like him. In support of him I attended the family/visitation hour and was amazed at their strength and how well they were holding up. Kinda funny, but I don't even REMEMBER my Daddy's visitation.......I think I just went numb. Not long after, Tommy returned to work because he said he wanted to get in a routine and not just sit at the house and mourn. He brought pictures of her to work and talked openly about her and responded to all the sympathy notes, emails, etc.. he had received. He talked about his worry for his sons and how they were holding up. He doesn't act like nothing happened, he shows his hurt but also his hope and appreciation for the time they spent together.
This made me think of how I have grieved when people close to me passed away. How did I respond, did I respond, and was it healthy? Let's think............I lost my birth mother when I was 4 yrs. old, so I don't remember how I grieved. I only remember pieces of parts of that time in my life. I mostly remember my Dad doing my hair and working late. I don't remember us discussing my birth mother or what happened. I honestly still don't know, some kind of virus. She was 29yrs. old.
My Grandaddy Lewis passed away when I was in the 2nd grade. Every since I could remember, he had muscular dystrophy and wasn't able to walk, talk or do anything for himself. My grandmother was his care taker and my cousin and I would put on plays and dances for him. Now that I think about it, he and my Daddy had the same smile. I didn't really grieve then either, but I definitely saw how it affected my family. Everyone was crying.
When I was sixteen, I lost my Pap-Paw, one of the first men I ever loved. He used to take me riding in his truck on Sundays and buy me M&M's....he had an early bedtime ritual of reading the paper and watching t.v. and I would always jump in his bed and play with him.....he used to make my brothers take me places...In him, I saw a strong, vocal man who took care of his family. And though he had the description of a hard mean fellow, he was a big teddy bear...especially with me :) This one was hard on me because I realized how young he was, and how none of us have forever. I cried and was sad, but didn't talk about it much. I kind of internalized my pain.
Then July 9th, 2001 I got a call that my Daddy was in the hospital and I needed to get home right away. I was doing an internship in NY. My father died of an aneurysm at 49yrs old. The first man I ever loved, the one who stood as an outstanding example of love, kindness, humbleness and compassion was now gone. On the outside, I held up great. I cried, but didn't break down....I laughed at jokes, mingled with the family, etc...But post funeral, I DID NOT want to talk about it. Many of my classmates had NO CLUE that I lost my father just weeks before. It was easier to pretend that he was out of town on business trip or at home. I didn't want to think about it too much. I was just numb. But that year, when I went home for Christmas break, it was all too real. He was not home....and he wasn't coming back. It REALLY hit me then. When I went back to school, I was a walking zombie. I was functional, but I was not myself. I didn't buy any of my textbooks for school, I skipped several classes, I didn't apply for or interview for ANY jobs although I was graduating that upcoming May.......this was SOOOO unlike me. I had already been on 4 interviews before Christmas break and was in the process of applying for several more. I just didn't want to be. I didn't want to talk to my mother about it, because she was DEFINITELY grieving. She was all by herself now, she had to be in the house everyday. I decided to journal my feelings and just write. And slowly but surely, Andrea started to come around again. But it wasn't until 2 yrs later that I was openly able to talk about my Daddy to people. Now, it's second nature to speak of him and his memory, but at the time...far from it.
During Hurricane Katrina, as I was worried for classmates and family that were in the direct line of the storm and most of whom had to evacuate, I received the call that my Granny had passed. She was 94 yrs old. I cried, I journaled and I told everyone about her. Not about her death, but about her legacy. About how she and Grandaddy Lewis with only minimal education sent all 5 of their kids to college; who all graduated and went on to receive Master's degrees and went into the field of education (all but my Daddy...he was a CPA) how they were Tuskegee University's "Parents of the Year" one year after they sent and graduated 4 of their children from that school...how she loved to watch the Atlanta Braves and never missed a game, how she always made you eat ham when you came to visit, how she never fried chicken but made the best apple pies, and how she had to have a bowl of ice cream every night.
This post today is just a look at grieving.......I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it, we just need to allow ourselves the opportunity and permission to grieve, so it won't come out in destructive actions and behavior.
This made me think of how I have grieved when people close to me passed away. How did I respond, did I respond, and was it healthy? Let's think............I lost my birth mother when I was 4 yrs. old, so I don't remember how I grieved. I only remember pieces of parts of that time in my life. I mostly remember my Dad doing my hair and working late. I don't remember us discussing my birth mother or what happened. I honestly still don't know, some kind of virus. She was 29yrs. old.
My Grandaddy Lewis passed away when I was in the 2nd grade. Every since I could remember, he had muscular dystrophy and wasn't able to walk, talk or do anything for himself. My grandmother was his care taker and my cousin and I would put on plays and dances for him. Now that I think about it, he and my Daddy had the same smile. I didn't really grieve then either, but I definitely saw how it affected my family. Everyone was crying.
When I was sixteen, I lost my Pap-Paw, one of the first men I ever loved. He used to take me riding in his truck on Sundays and buy me M&M's....he had an early bedtime ritual of reading the paper and watching t.v. and I would always jump in his bed and play with him.....he used to make my brothers take me places...In him, I saw a strong, vocal man who took care of his family. And though he had the description of a hard mean fellow, he was a big teddy bear...especially with me :) This one was hard on me because I realized how young he was, and how none of us have forever. I cried and was sad, but didn't talk about it much. I kind of internalized my pain.
Then July 9th, 2001 I got a call that my Daddy was in the hospital and I needed to get home right away. I was doing an internship in NY. My father died of an aneurysm at 49yrs old. The first man I ever loved, the one who stood as an outstanding example of love, kindness, humbleness and compassion was now gone. On the outside, I held up great. I cried, but didn't break down....I laughed at jokes, mingled with the family, etc...But post funeral, I DID NOT want to talk about it. Many of my classmates had NO CLUE that I lost my father just weeks before. It was easier to pretend that he was out of town on business trip or at home. I didn't want to think about it too much. I was just numb. But that year, when I went home for Christmas break, it was all too real. He was not home....and he wasn't coming back. It REALLY hit me then. When I went back to school, I was a walking zombie. I was functional, but I was not myself. I didn't buy any of my textbooks for school, I skipped several classes, I didn't apply for or interview for ANY jobs although I was graduating that upcoming May.......this was SOOOO unlike me. I had already been on 4 interviews before Christmas break and was in the process of applying for several more. I just didn't want to be. I didn't want to talk to my mother about it, because she was DEFINITELY grieving. She was all by herself now, she had to be in the house everyday. I decided to journal my feelings and just write. And slowly but surely, Andrea started to come around again. But it wasn't until 2 yrs later that I was openly able to talk about my Daddy to people. Now, it's second nature to speak of him and his memory, but at the time...far from it.
During Hurricane Katrina, as I was worried for classmates and family that were in the direct line of the storm and most of whom had to evacuate, I received the call that my Granny had passed. She was 94 yrs old. I cried, I journaled and I told everyone about her. Not about her death, but about her legacy. About how she and Grandaddy Lewis with only minimal education sent all 5 of their kids to college; who all graduated and went on to receive Master's degrees and went into the field of education (all but my Daddy...he was a CPA) how they were Tuskegee University's "Parents of the Year" one year after they sent and graduated 4 of their children from that school...how she loved to watch the Atlanta Braves and never missed a game, how she always made you eat ham when you came to visit, how she never fried chicken but made the best apple pies, and how she had to have a bowl of ice cream every night.
This post today is just a look at grieving.......I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it, we just need to allow ourselves the opportunity and permission to grieve, so it won't come out in destructive actions and behavior.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
FAMILY
Not trying to be controversial or offensive, but I learned in the 5th grade that there are numerous definitions of "family" held by different cultures. And that my generation is challenging that definition even more. Let me explain.
I changed schools in the 5th grade. My elementary school was forced to close its doors because of the rising costs to keep it in operation, so several classmates and I went to an elementary school several miles up the road. Let me be clear, we INTEGRATED this school. There were some AA students, but when we enrolled in the year 1990, we more than doubled the AA population. I made new friends pretty easily and quickly adapted to my new school with ease. So did the rest of my classmates. Until this time, I had only been in school with other students that looked like me and came from my neighborhood, but quickly learned the benefit of being exposed to different people from all walks of life. Great learning experience. But the biggest lesson I learned that sticks with me today is the concept of FAMILY.
I grew up with a large family. My household wasn't large, but I considered more than the people who lived with me to be my immediate family. I had 2 parents and a brother who lived in the same residence, but I had another brother, an aunt, my grandmother and grandfather, another aunt and 2 cousins who lived elsewhere whom I included in my immediate family number. The summers and weekends were spent at both of my grandmother's houses where I visited aunts and uncles and tons of cousins. I even had play cousins, cousins of cousins, people I called aunt and uncle who weren't any kind of kin to me, and friends of family. (By the way...does any other race have "play cousins?" I mean I know the concept exists, but does anyone else call them "play cousins?") But what I learned was that not everyone viewed family the same way I did. A lot of people considered family members in the household, grandmother and grandfather and possibly an aunt or uncle or two to be family. That's it. That was a completely foreign concept to me. Maybe that's why they had less drama...haha!
But even now, as I am growing older, the concept of family continues to change. Since I live 10 hrs from my hometown, I don't get to see my family very often. Christmas, any big family events and summer break are the only times I get to see them. So my definition and concept of family now includes friends and their kids. And that's all good. I believe how we are raised determines our concept of family and current situations cause us to examine or re-define that concept. And neither is right or wrong, its just how it is.
However, there are some definitions/principle about family that I hold steadfast........I understand these may not the case for the majority of people, but I can't operate any other way :)
I changed schools in the 5th grade. My elementary school was forced to close its doors because of the rising costs to keep it in operation, so several classmates and I went to an elementary school several miles up the road. Let me be clear, we INTEGRATED this school. There were some AA students, but when we enrolled in the year 1990, we more than doubled the AA population. I made new friends pretty easily and quickly adapted to my new school with ease. So did the rest of my classmates. Until this time, I had only been in school with other students that looked like me and came from my neighborhood, but quickly learned the benefit of being exposed to different people from all walks of life. Great learning experience. But the biggest lesson I learned that sticks with me today is the concept of FAMILY.
I grew up with a large family. My household wasn't large, but I considered more than the people who lived with me to be my immediate family. I had 2 parents and a brother who lived in the same residence, but I had another brother, an aunt, my grandmother and grandfather, another aunt and 2 cousins who lived elsewhere whom I included in my immediate family number. The summers and weekends were spent at both of my grandmother's houses where I visited aunts and uncles and tons of cousins. I even had play cousins, cousins of cousins, people I called aunt and uncle who weren't any kind of kin to me, and friends of family. (By the way...does any other race have "play cousins?" I mean I know the concept exists, but does anyone else call them "play cousins?") But what I learned was that not everyone viewed family the same way I did. A lot of people considered family members in the household, grandmother and grandfather and possibly an aunt or uncle or two to be family. That's it. That was a completely foreign concept to me. Maybe that's why they had less drama...haha!
But even now, as I am growing older, the concept of family continues to change. Since I live 10 hrs from my hometown, I don't get to see my family very often. Christmas, any big family events and summer break are the only times I get to see them. So my definition and concept of family now includes friends and their kids. And that's all good. I believe how we are raised determines our concept of family and current situations cause us to examine or re-define that concept. And neither is right or wrong, its just how it is.
However, there are some definitions/principle about family that I hold steadfast........I understand these may not the case for the majority of people, but I can't operate any other way :)
- No such thing as "half" sister or brother......we are whole people so I'm going to claim all of you
- Step kids are your kids too....each case has to be determined what role and influence you play, but that's YOUR family too, and should be treated and loved as such
- Regardless of whether your kids live with you full time or not, they must have a "spot" in your house; if you have a 3 bedroom house and 2 are guest rooms and no "spot" for your child, then SHAME on you (esp if they live in same city)
- Once you're in the family, always family. Might not be together or as close anymore, but the title of "family" still remains
- Past kids and parents, the pre-fix of step goes out the window......step-niece, step-grandmother, step cousin etc.......just too much. You're family, no need for the step title
Monday, June 18, 2012
5 Finger Rule
Everyone is talking about the 90 day Rule......I'm sure you have heard all about it from Joan of "Girlfriends" and more recently Steve Harvey's book and movie "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" It is the premise that a lady should wait 90 days before sleeping with a man in order to get to know him on a real level. There have been various thoughts to this practice; from "I'm not waiting that long" and "we're both grown, so what's the point" to "90 days is a fair amount of time to wait to see if my hormones and my heart are in alliance" It has caused quite a stir and fostered deep conversations and debate. I have talked about this very same subject not only with my girlfriends, but also with guys who want to share their perspective. Since I am always creating random top 10 lists, I was asked if I had a 90 day rule lists or such. Actually, nope, never really thought about it that way. But I do have a five finger rule...or basically 5 things that MUST be met before any lady should talk of intimacy. Here goes:
1) He should know your last name
2) 3 Outside date before any house dates
3) Must visit his place before your address is given
4) You must dance together
5) "Sleep" together before you "sleep" together
So....que voulez-vous dire veuillez? What do you mean, please? Well let's break it down.
#1) He should know your last name. It's simple really. In an effort to get to know more about you, your last name should come up. You have to put your full name on any official document so one would expect that knowing a last name would be the most common of knowledge to obtain. But....you KNOW guys. Has anyone ever tried to kiss you and you felt like it was waaaay too forward and too early? Like no magic was there and you hadn't even had the opportunity to figure out if you liked him? Try this trick, it's AMAZING how often it works. When he is going in for the kiss, slyly pull back and smile, and ask him, "hey, do you know my last name?" Maybe its just me, but you can't possibly like ME if you haven't even taken the time to learn my name. NO kiss for you :) My thinking is, if he hasn't listened or inquired enough about you to figure out your last name, he's probably not trying to build anything with you.
#2) 3 outside dates before any house dates. Three AT A MINIMUM. This is a VERY important rule. I have heard many women say that men don't know how to court anymore. That they don't ask to go out nor do they plan ahead when wanting to see you. So here's what usually happens......he suggests that he'll come over to your spot, bring some food and ya'll can watch a movie together. Cute right! Not really. Hear me out, if ya'll have been out on several dates and already have established a repoire, this IS cute. But if ya'll have only gone to a movie and out to dinner and its been 2 weeks, this is not cute at ALL. Why is that, you ask? Because it creates a false sense of familiarity. It's in your comfort zone, it's private and intimate and after one evening it feels like you have known him forever. HA! And now, since house dates are in the picture, it's very easy to revert to. Because he can call you up at anytime and say he wants to come over. No real plan or forethought. No dressing up. Just cool and casual. Here is the issue: You have NOT know him forever. And because you are in a private place, you kiss longer, harder and more places than you would had he taken you out. So you end up having sex earlier than you planned or imagined. Now you're mad because ALL he does is come by the house....you NEVER go anywhere anymore.....and you NEVER know when he will be available. It's a wait and see approach. So how does 3 outside dates help prevent that? It MAKES him court you....at least for a little while. The false sense of familiarity doesn't appear so early. Here are some additional insights you will learn during these 3 dates: Are they in prime time? - weekend nights. Are they planned? - you know Wednesday that he wants to see you Friday....might not know what ya'll are doing, but he's putting his bid in for your time. How close are they? if he wants to see you, he'll make time......shouldn't take a month to do 3 dates Is he trying to skip the 3 date rule because he is so "busy?" Really? You're that busy? You would not believe how many undesirables you can weed out with this rule, as simple as it seems :) ........But at some point, house dates should enter the picture. Which brings me to the next rule.....
#3) Must visit his place before your address is given. This is sooo paramount I will say it again: Must visit his place before your address is given. Men are MUCH more guarded with their personal space and life than women are. It's that nurturing part of us that wants to take people in our house, feed them entertain them, etc... Men don't necessarily have that. Their man castle is just that...THEIR castle. So they are cautious about just letting anybody in there. If you can let him into your body, he SURELY can let you into his house. While there, you know what to do :) See who's name is on the magazine subscriptions......look at his pictures......does he have a roommate..... if he has kids, do they have a spot in his house....... BTW, very random observance, but single men under the age of 33ish have very little furniture. Nice couch, nice bed, awesome TVs and the rest is non existent. LOL Plus, men are very worried that women will turn up at their house unannounced...and although I know you would never do that, this just puts it in the back of his mind. Haha. So basically, the first house dates should be at his place. This way, if you're not ready, you don't have to make up excuses why he should leave, you just get up and go!!! And trust me, if he has too many excuses as to why you can't go to his house, there is someone else living there or has open access.
#4) You must dance together. This is a weird one. Dancing is not really meant to be literal, I just use it as an example. A guy once told me that he didn't invite the girl he was seeing at the moment to an event because she may have wanted to slow dance and that was just too much. I was FLOORED. I started asking questions and derived that the issue was one of two things; or possibly both. 1) He didn't like to slow dance, period. 2) Dancing was too intimate. The reason this baffled me so is because they were sleeping together, but DANCING was too intimate? Seemed crazy to me, but that's because I'm a girl. Dancing requires being held, looking into each other's eyes and being comfortable doing it. That's not necessarily needed to sleep with some one. Or possibly, he wasn't big on dancing, made him uncomfortable. Either way, this sent off a signal to me. He has to be willing to do something out of his comfort zone simply because YOU want to. Be it dancing, seeing the most romantic girly movie, having dinner with you and 3 of your girlfriends........SOMETHING that's intimate. Because when he sleeps with you and the crazy emotional switch cuts on, you want to know that he at least likes you enough to watch "The Notebook" with you.
#5) "Sleep" together before you "sleep" together. Just to know that he can and will. I wouldn't suggest you test this too soon or too often though........
Side notes:
I mention to check & see if he has a space in his home for his kids i.e. toys, playroom, bed because if he does not, it could spell that he has baby mama drama or deadbeat dad syndrome.
I also mention checking the name on the magazine subscriptions because men don't typically have issues of Jet, Ebony at the house. Some one may have left it there.
1) He should know your last name
2) 3 Outside date before any house dates
3) Must visit his place before your address is given
4) You must dance together
5) "Sleep" together before you "sleep" together
So....que voulez-vous dire veuillez? What do you mean, please? Well let's break it down.
#1) He should know your last name. It's simple really. In an effort to get to know more about you, your last name should come up. You have to put your full name on any official document so one would expect that knowing a last name would be the most common of knowledge to obtain. But....you KNOW guys. Has anyone ever tried to kiss you and you felt like it was waaaay too forward and too early? Like no magic was there and you hadn't even had the opportunity to figure out if you liked him? Try this trick, it's AMAZING how often it works. When he is going in for the kiss, slyly pull back and smile, and ask him, "hey, do you know my last name?" Maybe its just me, but you can't possibly like ME if you haven't even taken the time to learn my name. NO kiss for you :) My thinking is, if he hasn't listened or inquired enough about you to figure out your last name, he's probably not trying to build anything with you.
#2) 3 outside dates before any house dates. Three AT A MINIMUM. This is a VERY important rule. I have heard many women say that men don't know how to court anymore. That they don't ask to go out nor do they plan ahead when wanting to see you. So here's what usually happens......he suggests that he'll come over to your spot, bring some food and ya'll can watch a movie together. Cute right! Not really. Hear me out, if ya'll have been out on several dates and already have established a repoire, this IS cute. But if ya'll have only gone to a movie and out to dinner and its been 2 weeks, this is not cute at ALL. Why is that, you ask? Because it creates a false sense of familiarity. It's in your comfort zone, it's private and intimate and after one evening it feels like you have known him forever. HA! And now, since house dates are in the picture, it's very easy to revert to. Because he can call you up at anytime and say he wants to come over. No real plan or forethought. No dressing up. Just cool and casual. Here is the issue: You have NOT know him forever. And because you are in a private place, you kiss longer, harder and more places than you would had he taken you out. So you end up having sex earlier than you planned or imagined. Now you're mad because ALL he does is come by the house....you NEVER go anywhere anymore.....and you NEVER know when he will be available. It's a wait and see approach. So how does 3 outside dates help prevent that? It MAKES him court you....at least for a little while. The false sense of familiarity doesn't appear so early. Here are some additional insights you will learn during these 3 dates: Are they in prime time? - weekend nights. Are they planned? - you know Wednesday that he wants to see you Friday....might not know what ya'll are doing, but he's putting his bid in for your time. How close are they? if he wants to see you, he'll make time......shouldn't take a month to do 3 dates Is he trying to skip the 3 date rule because he is so "busy?" Really? You're that busy? You would not believe how many undesirables you can weed out with this rule, as simple as it seems :) ........But at some point, house dates should enter the picture. Which brings me to the next rule.....
#3) Must visit his place before your address is given. This is sooo paramount I will say it again: Must visit his place before your address is given. Men are MUCH more guarded with their personal space and life than women are. It's that nurturing part of us that wants to take people in our house, feed them entertain them, etc... Men don't necessarily have that. Their man castle is just that...THEIR castle. So they are cautious about just letting anybody in there. If you can let him into your body, he SURELY can let you into his house. While there, you know what to do :) See who's name is on the magazine subscriptions......look at his pictures......does he have a roommate..... if he has kids, do they have a spot in his house....... BTW, very random observance, but single men under the age of 33ish have very little furniture. Nice couch, nice bed, awesome TVs and the rest is non existent. LOL Plus, men are very worried that women will turn up at their house unannounced...and although I know you would never do that, this just puts it in the back of his mind. Haha. So basically, the first house dates should be at his place. This way, if you're not ready, you don't have to make up excuses why he should leave, you just get up and go!!! And trust me, if he has too many excuses as to why you can't go to his house, there is someone else living there or has open access.
#4) You must dance together. This is a weird one. Dancing is not really meant to be literal, I just use it as an example. A guy once told me that he didn't invite the girl he was seeing at the moment to an event because she may have wanted to slow dance and that was just too much. I was FLOORED. I started asking questions and derived that the issue was one of two things; or possibly both. 1) He didn't like to slow dance, period. 2) Dancing was too intimate. The reason this baffled me so is because they were sleeping together, but DANCING was too intimate? Seemed crazy to me, but that's because I'm a girl. Dancing requires being held, looking into each other's eyes and being comfortable doing it. That's not necessarily needed to sleep with some one. Or possibly, he wasn't big on dancing, made him uncomfortable. Either way, this sent off a signal to me. He has to be willing to do something out of his comfort zone simply because YOU want to. Be it dancing, seeing the most romantic girly movie, having dinner with you and 3 of your girlfriends........SOMETHING that's intimate. Because when he sleeps with you and the crazy emotional switch cuts on, you want to know that he at least likes you enough to watch "The Notebook" with you.
#5) "Sleep" together before you "sleep" together. Just to know that he can and will. I wouldn't suggest you test this too soon or too often though........
Side notes:
I mention to check & see if he has a space in his home for his kids i.e. toys, playroom, bed because if he does not, it could spell that he has baby mama drama or deadbeat dad syndrome.
I also mention checking the name on the magazine subscriptions because men don't typically have issues of Jet, Ebony at the house. Some one may have left it there.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Hoes be Winning...........
Hoes be winning........It definitely seems that way sometimes. I read an article in a fairly respectable publication that said 2011 was the "Year of the Hoe". They had a great year. I surely heard all thru 2011 that "hoes be winning" and witnessed this phenomenon with my own eyes. Which caused me to ponder two crucial questions: If hoes are winning, who is losing? and What are hoes doing to win?
So let's break this down.....
First, what do we mean by "hoes be winning?" The simplest way I can break it down to everyday terms is this: when you see the girl who has a tried and true reputation of sleeping with numerous men, dressing a tad bit inappropriately and not always acting in a ladylike manner, gets in a RELATIONSHIP with a GOOD guy. THAT'S "hoes be winning." For all my ladies out there, I know what you start thinking.....believe me, I have done it too. You say, "she's cool and all, but a RELATIONSHIP? REALLY?" You start to question everything you have been taught in life. Clearly, it's the end days. And I am not saying that just because a woman has had several sexual partners and wears tight clothes that she is not worthy of a good relationship with a good guy. It's just that I have been taught since I was a wee girl that men don't like those type of girls for long. They may have fun with them but they won't commit to them. They are not going to take that type of girl out in public. So when I started to see this happen on more than one occasion I started to agree that "hoes be winning"
So if hoes are winning, then who is losing?
Interesting question.....the obvious answer is single independent women. But let's narrow and focus down just a bit. The biggest losers are the women who intentionally go places specifically trying to meet men and have no luck. They still wind up spending Saturday night with the girls and lamenting on FB and twitter about how special they are and complaining that there are no good guys out there and getting WAAAAYYY to excited about the possibility of a lunch date. NOW, I'm not calling them lonely heffas or nothing.......I'm just saying. LOL!
So what are hoes doing to win?
Great question.....the obvious answer is easy access to the goodies. But again, let's narrow and focus down a bit. The real answer is they have a cost for entry. Now do not get me wrong, I am not talking about prostitution or gold diggers, I mean a set list of requirements for her to even entertain the idea of getting with some one. Novel concept ain't it :) SHE MAKES A BARTER. If she wants to go out on a date, she doesn't fidget or pause about asking him to do so....if he wants to continue to spend time with her, he will. If not, she has other options and will keep it moving. No love lost.
So what's the BIG difference?
The big difference is that the "loser" is so afraid of losing the she doesn't even put herself in a position to win. She wants to look available but not desperate, sexy but not slutty, classy but not bougie, valuable but not high maintenance. That's a LOT of work. Whereas hoes believe they can get what they want. Now I'm not saying to adopt a hoes value system, but adopting a TRUE mindset of asking for what you want. Because I have learned, whether I say it out loud or not, I STILL want it. And I only end up disappointed and upset if I don't get it. So I either have to stop wanting it, or ask for it.
By the way, I don't know what I'm talking about half the time so take my rambling with a grain of salt. I haven't had a man since Skip was a pup. LOL
So let's break this down.....
First, what do we mean by "hoes be winning?" The simplest way I can break it down to everyday terms is this: when you see the girl who has a tried and true reputation of sleeping with numerous men, dressing a tad bit inappropriately and not always acting in a ladylike manner, gets in a RELATIONSHIP with a GOOD guy. THAT'S "hoes be winning." For all my ladies out there, I know what you start thinking.....believe me, I have done it too. You say, "she's cool and all, but a RELATIONSHIP? REALLY?" You start to question everything you have been taught in life. Clearly, it's the end days. And I am not saying that just because a woman has had several sexual partners and wears tight clothes that she is not worthy of a good relationship with a good guy. It's just that I have been taught since I was a wee girl that men don't like those type of girls for long. They may have fun with them but they won't commit to them. They are not going to take that type of girl out in public. So when I started to see this happen on more than one occasion I started to agree that "hoes be winning"
So if hoes are winning, then who is losing?
Interesting question.....the obvious answer is single independent women. But let's narrow and focus down just a bit. The biggest losers are the women who intentionally go places specifically trying to meet men and have no luck. They still wind up spending Saturday night with the girls and lamenting on FB and twitter about how special they are and complaining that there are no good guys out there and getting WAAAAYYY to excited about the possibility of a lunch date. NOW, I'm not calling them lonely heffas or nothing.......I'm just saying. LOL!
So what are hoes doing to win?
Great question.....the obvious answer is easy access to the goodies. But again, let's narrow and focus down a bit. The real answer is they have a cost for entry. Now do not get me wrong, I am not talking about prostitution or gold diggers, I mean a set list of requirements for her to even entertain the idea of getting with some one. Novel concept ain't it :) SHE MAKES A BARTER. If she wants to go out on a date, she doesn't fidget or pause about asking him to do so....if he wants to continue to spend time with her, he will. If not, she has other options and will keep it moving. No love lost.
So what's the BIG difference?
The big difference is that the "loser" is so afraid of losing the she doesn't even put herself in a position to win. She wants to look available but not desperate, sexy but not slutty, classy but not bougie, valuable but not high maintenance. That's a LOT of work. Whereas hoes believe they can get what they want. Now I'm not saying to adopt a hoes value system, but adopting a TRUE mindset of asking for what you want. Because I have learned, whether I say it out loud or not, I STILL want it. And I only end up disappointed and upset if I don't get it. So I either have to stop wanting it, or ask for it.
By the way, I don't know what I'm talking about half the time so take my rambling with a grain of salt. I haven't had a man since Skip was a pup. LOL
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Test Drive - Just Thinking Out Loud
I have a secret to tell you......Gloria Jean is not my first choice. Shhhh.....don't tell her though. Gloria Jean is my car, a 2010 steel grey Ford Fusion. She now has 61,000 miles, a missing rim, a cracked rim, a waxed passenger seat and a chewed out front ventilation. You may look at her and think she is not the most attractive girl, or the most comfortable, and gets too loud and agitated when pulling small hills, but she has a hidden beauty. SHE IS FREE! Maintenance, insurance, gas, car washes.....ALL FREE. For the low fee of $110 a month, I get unlimited use of her. I can't personalize or customize anything on her, but other than that, her use is at my discretion. She has gotten me over some tough roads, some long rides and great times. But she is not my first choice. She's uncomfortable. You can feel everything in her. She is loud, when there is really no reason to be. She can never keep all her shoes on (rims).
I have secretly been lusting after different options....like a BMW 328i, Volvo S60 and Infiniti G25. I find myself during the day looking these cars up online, learning about them, reading consumer reports, estimating payments. I have set a time aside to go test drive and inquire about them. I kinda want one. But I know that makes no sense. Why would I go test drive something that I know I don't need? Because I know what will happen... I will fall in love and want to get it. Which lead me to thinking about how that happens in relationships and crushes and such.
Have you ever test driven a guy? You know, KNEW he wasn't the right fit for you, all the signs were there but you tried anyway. Only to fall to deep and not know how to end it.....Yep, I've been there. But why do we do it? It's not because he is so cute, or he is so rich, or his car is so nice. NO, all of that is superficial. We may gawk and fantasize about those things, but that's not what makes us test drive. What make us test drive is because he does the ONE thing that the last guy didn't. He compliments us when ole dude never told you that you looked nice. He's tall when ole dude didn't want you to wear your heels. He's into rap music when ole dude thought it was just noise and called you immature. And that's fine. You realize that those things are important to you and make a difference in your relationship. But you know you want more. You NEED more. And this guy can't or won't fulfill those needs. You know you're test driving a car that you can't afford or can't have....but if only.
Just thinking out loud......
I have secretly been lusting after different options....like a BMW 328i, Volvo S60 and Infiniti G25. I find myself during the day looking these cars up online, learning about them, reading consumer reports, estimating payments. I have set a time aside to go test drive and inquire about them. I kinda want one. But I know that makes no sense. Why would I go test drive something that I know I don't need? Because I know what will happen... I will fall in love and want to get it. Which lead me to thinking about how that happens in relationships and crushes and such.
Have you ever test driven a guy? You know, KNEW he wasn't the right fit for you, all the signs were there but you tried anyway. Only to fall to deep and not know how to end it.....Yep, I've been there. But why do we do it? It's not because he is so cute, or he is so rich, or his car is so nice. NO, all of that is superficial. We may gawk and fantasize about those things, but that's not what makes us test drive. What make us test drive is because he does the ONE thing that the last guy didn't. He compliments us when ole dude never told you that you looked nice. He's tall when ole dude didn't want you to wear your heels. He's into rap music when ole dude thought it was just noise and called you immature. And that's fine. You realize that those things are important to you and make a difference in your relationship. But you know you want more. You NEED more. And this guy can't or won't fulfill those needs. You know you're test driving a car that you can't afford or can't have....but if only.
Just thinking out loud......
Monday, May 21, 2012
I'm S.E.X.I and I Know It
I have been "trying" to lose 10 lbs for 3 years now. 10 lbs, that's always the magical number. For background I have always been a small girl. OK, I was SKIN-TY. Stayed that way thru high school and college. Barely broke 100 lbs. But I was not healthy. I'm not saying because I was small I wasn't healthy. I'm actually not 100% sure that the 2 were related. But I was stayed sick starting at around age 16 and didn't know why. I started suffering from terrible migraines. I was always tired. Walking around the neighborhood was a challenge for me. My cycles were highly irregular. I couldn't get enough sleep. It became so bad that often times my headaches wouldn't stop until I vomited. I was at my worst point health wise after I graduated from Xavier University. I decided then to tell a doctor about it to determine what was wrong with me. Although all my normal check ups stated I was fine, I knew this was not normal. After explaining my symptoms to my doctor, she was able to quickly identify my issue. Long story short, my hormones were all out of control and I was not making them any better by my everyday actions. No excercise, skipping meals, not taking vitamins etc... So, I started walking, taking birth control and started EATING. That's right EATING. Certain amount of carbs, protein and vitamins essential to my health. Within days I started to feel better. Since then I RARELY have unexplained headaches, let alone migraines anymore. I was feeling great. My skin started to glow. I played girls flag football. I tried all different kinds of foods like sushi, Carribbean food, all the good stuff. Life was lovely. I had never felt so good. UNTIL.....that's right UNTIL. Until I went home and family looked at me like I was as large as the Goodyear blimp. It made me self conscious. Because in my mind, I looked fine. Sure I had gained some weight but I wasn't aware how much. I never weighed myself, didn't own a scale. What was all this fuss about? When I returned to Charlotte I purchased a scale at the Target on Rea Rd and it read that I weighed 135 lbs. GASP! Obviously that was too large for a 25 yr old 5'4" woman. Right? It must be cause my folks couldn't stop talking about it. I couldn't let this happen. I had to get help. I had to lose 10 lbs.....IMMEDIATELY!! So I signed up for Jenny Craig. Because true, my eating habits were a mess!! I didn't cook, ate out a lot, and consumed a lot of calories by what I drank. But Jenny Craig didn't really work for me (at the time, it has now since drastically changed) because it did not allow my set standard of protein each day. Regardless of my weight, I knew I wanted to stay on the path my doctor had set for me, just cut out the non essentials. I tried a couple of other fad diets that I didn't stick to or didn't work. After that I just convinced myself that my family was just shocked at the "new" me. They didn't mean that I was too heavy, just that they were not used to seeing me that size. I got over it and went on about my merry way. UNTIL...yep, UNTIL. Until it was time for my 10 yr high school reunion. Wow, 10 yrs I had to be right for that. In my mind, I needed to lose 10 lbs and then I would be a brick house, YEAH. So I enlisted the help of a trainer, who I will affectionately call Trainer B. I told him my goal and he just looked at me. Didn't give me a time line when I would get there, didn't tell me to cut any food out or anything of the sort. He just said ok. For the next 6 months I worked out with Trainer B 2 to 3 times weekly for 30 minutes. I couldn't believe the progress I was making. I felt WONDERFUL!! I had so much energy, had gained so much confidence. I was truly coming out of my shell. I still wasn't looking at the scale, my eating habits were better, but still not good. At the end of the 6 months right before my reunion, I asked "Hey, we haven't measured or taken my weight. Where is my progress?" Because I KNEW I had lost those 10 lbs. Had to. Before we did, he asked me did I notice any changes or had anyone else noticed. YES. Some one I casually knew sent me an email saying he saw me in the gym and I was looking good, keep doing what I was doing. Several ladies asked me what exercises did I do for my arms without me even saying I worked out. But most of all, my ENERGY and STRENGTH. I was a beast!! Then came the moment of truth, the scale. 145!!! WTF?? How could this be? I GAINED weight. Did I really just gain 10 lbs? I was a big mixed bag of emotions. But then, he took my measurements. ALL WERE DOWN (that needed to be :) my waistline, my body fat %, my shoulders, all were down. I was confused. How could this be but I gained 10 lbs? Something must be wrong with me....those damn hormones again. But I accepted it and went on to my reunion and had a blast!! I didn't work out with Trainer B anymore, how could he know what he was doing? I gained 10 lbs......which means I didn't work out at all. NOTHING. And I started to feel it. I was anxious, tired, ill feeling and my clothes weren't fitting anymore. Oh NO! So I called him back up and said I need to get back on the program. My goal this time was to be strong and small. YOu know, lose 10lbs, 26 waist, low body fat.....YEAH, you know brickhouse. My 30th bday was approaching. I had to be ready. And as I was making a list of the 30 things I've learned by 30, something hit me. A HUGE revelation. It almost took my breath away. Here it is:
At some point in my life, I was super fine- but I didn't realize it LOL Now I will tell myself everyday that I am super fine - cuz obviously I don't know when it happens
I had been chasing this mythical 10 lbs. And what's so ironic is that 10 lbs ago, I was chasing 10 lbs. Would it ever stop? So, 135 lbs was too big? 145 was too big? What is the right weight? Did I need to lose 10 or 20? I realized that I will always be chasing this dream of body perfection. When I look at the mirror or the scale, I will always focus on what is wrong vs. what is right. If I just had a six pack, if my booty didn't droop, if I didn't have so much girth......and if if was a fifth, we'd all be drunk. When the truth is, yes there are things I can improve about my body, but my major improvement needed to be with my body image. I started re-inventing how I look at myself;
My body is strong. My body is healthy. I have a great smile, makes even the crazy people wanna talk to me. I naturally have breasts that people pay good money for. My shoulders and upper arms are ridiculously toned when I flex. I think I am a super cute height for a girl. My body is strong. My body is healthy. I am not at high or moderate risk for blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, cholesterol, etc. My skin auto corrects itself fairly quickly. I have very soft skin, especially on and under my shoulders and arms. My body is strong. My body is healthy.
So am I still trying to lose weight? Yes and no. I strength train 2 to 3 times a week with trainer B, I run/walk occasionally, I take Zumba class 1 to 2 times a week, I try to swim in the summer. I am working on giving my body the things it needs to work well, like nutritious foods and water and rest. But I do not and will not diet. I still eat dessert. I still have a glass of wine with the girls. I just do these things in moderation and try to get better everyday. If this equates to 10 lbs, GREAT! But I know doing what is best for my body and my health will always lead to me being S.E.X.I.
strong exactly as intended
sassy exactly as intended
smart exactly as intended
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Cinco de Mayo
Thursday – “Happy Hour w/Friends Fiesta” After work a group of friends and I gathered at Sullivan’s, a popular spot in Charlotte, and sat out on the patio to enjoy the specials. I HIGHLY recommend the salmon salad & Red Over Heels martini. The mix of fresh field greens, grilled salmon, feta or bleu cheese, candied pecans and vinaigrette dressing topped off with a refreshingly sweet martini for the total price of $15 cannot be beat. They have a great menu on Thursdays at the bar or on the patio and half price martinis all night. Other popular choices are the burger and bleu cheese meatballs. They feature a live jazz band, have a spacious covered patio and great atmosphere. I would suggest early arrival to secure a table because it gets crowded fast. Or you could take the late shift once the crowd thins a little. Just be a little patient with the wait staff…..It gets very busy out there.
This particular Thursday was a lite night. My usual “friends” were there…..Rick Ross look alike who tried to kidnap me a few months back, old man who pledged with my uncle, and my buddy from “Babunda”. Now I have a question: I am not a geography scholar, only took a semester of it in high school and am terrible at reading a map. But on what atlas is 20 minutes outside of Birmingham considered lower Alabama? And if that is where you are from, wouldn’t you know that’s not considered lower Alabama? See, this is the foolishness that I run across on a daily basis. Why was he even talking to us? You know what, I can answer that question…He was talking to us because we were a table full of beautiful women. The real question is, why was I responding to him? I know better.
Friday – “Girls Night In Margarita Madness” Friday night I hosted a small gathering of girlfriends for dinner. The menu consisted of spiced chicken, mango habanero fish and beef tacos. For appetizers I served stuffed jalapenos and chips with queso. Total prep time took 45 minutes. Mexican is always a great option for a quick after work meal. Plenty of fresh vegetables and sauteed meat make it a perfect choice for entertaining a large group of people. Add margaritas and wine to that, and you are guaranteed a good time. And with these ladies, the conversation is always lively and knowledgeable. I learned 5 things Friday night:
1)Tuck & Roll is always 2nd move after being pushed into a fight 2)You have to throw down a challenge for men with thick lips 3)Hit ‘em in the face! Hit ‘em in the face 4)Once a group of men co-sign a bad idea, reason and common sense disappear 5)You get a nickname until you are verified
Saturday – “Cinco de Mayo” We attended a day party at Club Phoenix and had a BLAST!!! I don’t know what she put in those margaritas, but they were delicious J I like day parties because it is a much more laid back and relaxed atmosphere as opposed to parties at night. You don’t have to be so dressed up or uptight. But it does bring up the question, what is appropriate day party attire? Actually anything goes!! I would leave the party dresses at home, but jeans and cute tops, maxi and sundresses, and hemmed shorts are all winners. The party dresses are just a bit too much during the day. And white shoes are off limits. PERIOD. I’m not talking about tennis shoes or sandals, but any other type of white shoes = country.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I'm Scared to Commit........to a paint color
Choosing the right paint colors for your home can be a challenging and seemingly permanent task. I know….It took me 3 yrs to pick out the color scheme for my townhome. But I have learned a few tips and steps to help anyone else who may also be scared to “commit”
My first piece of advice is to take a picture of the room you are painting to bring with you as you are looking at paint samples. Pick an underlying color from the furniture in the room or focus on a bold color in the pattern. If the colors and fabrics in the room are predominately one color, try a contrasting color for the wall.
My second piece of advice is to look at the paint color in natural light. Colors can have a vastly different effect first thing in the morning than when you come home in the evening. Decide the “temperature” of the room. Orange, red and pinks are considered warm colors while violets, greens and blues are cool.
My third piece of advice is neutral does not always equal white. Gold, silver and brown tones can add a sense of warmth and coordinate with everything. Also, choose 2 to 3 neutral tones for your home to alternate colors for different rooms.
My last piece of advice is that paint is not permanent. Try painting just one wall of a room for contrast. Experiment with a bold color you love. If you don’t like it, choose again!
The Curious Case of the Cranky Trash Compactor
Why does everything seem to break down when you are expecting guests? Well that is exactly what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was preparing dinner for a small group of friends and my trash compactor went out. You would think that once I noticed it was not operating properly, I would stop running water down the drain causing a back-up….But alas, I did not. As the issue became progressively worse, I knew I had to handle the issue immediately. Not only because it ruined the décor, but also because it was beginning to smell, and I did not want that at my dinner table. I called a handyman to get a quote on an emergency fix and he told me around $60. Are you kidding me? New trash compactors only cost $80 to $120, so I was definitely not going to pay that much for a fix. What is a diva to do? DO IT ALL. Here is a step by step process on how to fix a garbage disposal without all the garbage:
1. Go to circuit breaker and cut off disposal system. If it is not marked, just try a few switches until you locate the correct one. Nothing will be harmed.
2. Run water and vinegar down the drain to help loosen the clog or waste. Use ¼ to ½ cup of vinegar and run slowly. Let stand for three minutes.
3. Open the cabinet under the sink where the disposal is housed. Under the disposal, there is a red reset button. Press this button.
4. Return to circuit breaker and power disposal back on. Check to see if this has corrected the problem.
5. If it still isn’t working properly, power the disposal system back off at the circuit breaker. This most likely means that something is obstructing the blades from turning.
6. To clear the blades, use the garbage disposal wrench that comes with the machine. If you do not know where or what that is no worries. You can also use a simple Allen wrench. At the bottom of the disposal, near the reset button, there is an opening. Insert the wrench in the hole and turn. Keep doing this until you can turn with ease.
7. Return to circuit breaker and power disposal back on. This should fix the problem and you can return to cooking with ease.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
G.R.I.T.S
G.R.I.T.S = Girls Raised in the South
This week MH has been in town visiting and it has really been fun!! I came home Tuesday to dinner cooked, house cleaned & Bo fed and walked. All I had to do was shower, eat and watch TV. NICE!!! And to top it off she cooked an EXCELLENT roast (I can't ever get mine that tender) brown rice, green beans, squash, carrots and potatoes. But the post today is not to talk about food, it's to talk about being a girl raised in the South. And I'm talking the deep South, Mississippi, it doesn't get more Southern than that. So I consider myself a halfway expert. hehe. There are certain principles you have to follow when you are a girl raised in the South. The #1 commandment is to always be a lady. There are several commandments of being a G.R.I.T.S. I have listed a few that I grew up with. NOt that I like or do them all because times are a changing, but these were definitely part of my family. Do you have any?
1. Saying "Bless your heart" is the best response to most foolishness. If some one says or does something crazy it is not proper to tell them they are foolish or that was ignorant...instead you say "Bless your heart"
2. You can drink liquor, you just have to girly it up. I'm convinced the Old Fashion was invented for women in the South. An old fashion is bourbon or other whisky with bitters, orange slice and a cherry. Ask any older lady from the deep South her drink of choice, and it's probably a remake of an Old Fashion. Won't find too many takers of martinis from that crowd :). My friends laugh at me when I drink dark liquor. They say how can some one as girly as me like that stuff, I'm from the South. 2 new recipes for girly concoctions; Crown & cranberry juice and Jack Daniels Honey & Sprite Zero.
3. If some one stops by your house, even only for a second, it is your DUTY to feed them. And you are not truly a lady if you don't have some reserves on hand for a surprise. Any male that has seen my kitchen thinks I am Betty Crocker. Anybody that knows me well, knows better. LOL! I have every device and serving dish needed and a cabinet full of seasoning and spices and my freezer is always packed!! But on any given day my dinner is simple baked chicken or fish and a pack of frozen vegetables. I save full meals for the weekend cooking.
4. You have to substitute "ugly" words for prettier ones......i.e sweat = glisten; pee = tinkle; musty = fresh; But true G.R.I.T.S know how to throw out a good cuss word for effect. And yes, I said cuss not curse. LOL!
5. You have to get a nice hat for special occasions
6. Cross your legs at your ankles, not at your knees
7. Wave at all the cars that pass by your house (esp if you live in the family neighborhood).
8. You must have clever country sayings....Mine are "that dog won't hunt" "going to see a man about a mule" "since Skip was a pup" "ain't got a pot to piss in" "chicken with its head cut off" "just got off the turnip truck"
9. Wear plenty of dresses & big sunglasses
10. Claim kin with any and everybody. This is my favorite :)
11. Fish with a pole, not a rod ---- only catfish and brim!!!
12. Send thank you notes for EVERYTHING!!
13. Always ask how some one's mother is doing whenever mentioned....even if you don't know them
14. If some one you used to be close to has a relative that you never met pass away, you send a card, a dish, flower arrangement, SOMETHING
15.Use words in everyday conversation that only Southerners understand: confession - I mistakenly say these around my NY peeps and have to explain. LOL! directla - means in a little while; finna and fixin to - means about to; laid up - means hurt or ill; But please never say "learnt".......i say bless your heart to people who use learnt. And not because it's country, that doesn't bother me. But because it is typically used as a substitute for taught......that's a no-no. "Who learnt you to do that?" WTH??
16. Wear a slip and panty hose
17. Football is king. It starts on Friday nights!! The local high school football star is a celebrity
Consequently, there are MANY things we know nothing about: how to figure out the subway, double dutch madness(we had plenty of grass to play on), the purpose of Timbs, how to correctly use "son" and reggae music. ??? Or pay tolls bridges, tunnels, breakdancing or pop locking or crumping, roller blading
This week MH has been in town visiting and it has really been fun!! I came home Tuesday to dinner cooked, house cleaned & Bo fed and walked. All I had to do was shower, eat and watch TV. NICE!!! And to top it off she cooked an EXCELLENT roast (I can't ever get mine that tender) brown rice, green beans, squash, carrots and potatoes. But the post today is not to talk about food, it's to talk about being a girl raised in the South. And I'm talking the deep South, Mississippi, it doesn't get more Southern than that. So I consider myself a halfway expert. hehe. There are certain principles you have to follow when you are a girl raised in the South. The #1 commandment is to always be a lady. There are several commandments of being a G.R.I.T.S. I have listed a few that I grew up with. NOt that I like or do them all because times are a changing, but these were definitely part of my family. Do you have any?
1. Saying "Bless your heart" is the best response to most foolishness. If some one says or does something crazy it is not proper to tell them they are foolish or that was ignorant...instead you say "Bless your heart"
2. You can drink liquor, you just have to girly it up. I'm convinced the Old Fashion was invented for women in the South. An old fashion is bourbon or other whisky with bitters, orange slice and a cherry. Ask any older lady from the deep South her drink of choice, and it's probably a remake of an Old Fashion. Won't find too many takers of martinis from that crowd :). My friends laugh at me when I drink dark liquor. They say how can some one as girly as me like that stuff, I'm from the South. 2 new recipes for girly concoctions; Crown & cranberry juice and Jack Daniels Honey & Sprite Zero.
3. If some one stops by your house, even only for a second, it is your DUTY to feed them. And you are not truly a lady if you don't have some reserves on hand for a surprise. Any male that has seen my kitchen thinks I am Betty Crocker. Anybody that knows me well, knows better. LOL! I have every device and serving dish needed and a cabinet full of seasoning and spices and my freezer is always packed!! But on any given day my dinner is simple baked chicken or fish and a pack of frozen vegetables. I save full meals for the weekend cooking.
4. You have to substitute "ugly" words for prettier ones......i.e sweat = glisten; pee = tinkle; musty = fresh; But true G.R.I.T.S know how to throw out a good cuss word for effect. And yes, I said cuss not curse. LOL!
5. You have to get a nice hat for special occasions
6. Cross your legs at your ankles, not at your knees
7. Wave at all the cars that pass by your house (esp if you live in the family neighborhood).
8. You must have clever country sayings....Mine are "that dog won't hunt" "going to see a man about a mule" "since Skip was a pup" "ain't got a pot to piss in" "chicken with its head cut off" "just got off the turnip truck"
9. Wear plenty of dresses & big sunglasses
10. Claim kin with any and everybody. This is my favorite :)
11. Fish with a pole, not a rod ---- only catfish and brim!!!
12. Send thank you notes for EVERYTHING!!
13. Always ask how some one's mother is doing whenever mentioned....even if you don't know them
14. If some one you used to be close to has a relative that you never met pass away, you send a card, a dish, flower arrangement, SOMETHING
15.Use words in everyday conversation that only Southerners understand: confession - I mistakenly say these around my NY peeps and have to explain. LOL! directla - means in a little while; finna and fixin to - means about to; laid up - means hurt or ill; But please never say "learnt".......i say bless your heart to people who use learnt. And not because it's country, that doesn't bother me. But because it is typically used as a substitute for taught......that's a no-no. "Who learnt you to do that?" WTH??
16. Wear a slip and panty hose
17. Football is king. It starts on Friday nights!! The local high school football star is a celebrity
Consequently, there are MANY things we know nothing about: how to figure out the subway, double dutch madness(we had plenty of grass to play on), the purpose of Timbs, how to correctly use "son" and reggae music. ??? Or pay tolls bridges, tunnels, breakdancing or pop locking or crumping, roller blading
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The Curious Case of Trayvon Martin
Today, I have copied most of a column written in the NY Times by Charles Blow, an OpEd columnist. I have so many questions, but here are the 5 that just make me sick to my stomach
1) Why was Trayvon Martin considered suspicious?
2) Who chases after and runs down some one you think is a threat?
3) Why didn't the police even consider Trayvon lived in the neighborhood? marked him as John Doe w/o even canvassing the neighbors
4) How can a 150lb boy carrying Skittles & iced tea make a man over 220lbs carrying a gun feel threatened?
5) Why has Fox News only done 1 report on this story?
Charles M. Blow NYTimes OpEd Columnist
“He said that Tray was gone.” That’s how Sybrina Fulton, her voice full of ache, told me she found out that her 17-year-old son, Trayvon Martin, had died. In a wrenching telephone call, the boy’s father, who had taken him to visit a friend, told her that Trayvon had been gunned down in a gated townhouse community in Sanford, Fla., outside Orlando.
“He said, ‘Somebody shot Trayvon and killed him.’ And I was like, ‘Are you sure?’ ” Fulton continued in disbelief. “I said ‘How do you know that’s Trayvon?’ And he said because they showed him a picture.”
That was Feb. 27, one day after Trayvon was shot. The father thought that he was missing, according to the family’s lawyer, Benjamin Crump, but the boy’s body had actually been taken to the medical examiner’s office and listed as a John Doe.
The father called the Missing Persons Unit. No luck. Then he called 911. The police asked the father to describe the boy, after which they sent officers to the house where the father was staying. There they showed him a picture of the boy with blood coming out of his mouth.
This is a nightmare scenario for any parent, and the events leading to Trayvon’s death offer little comfort — and pose many questions.
Trayvon had left the house he and his father were visiting to walk to the local 7-Eleven. On his way back, he caught the attention of George Zimmerman, a 28-year-old neighborhood watch captain, who was in a sport-utility vehicle. Zimmerman called the police because the boy looked “real suspicious,” according to a 911 call released late Friday. The operator told Zimmerman that officers were being dispatched and not to pursue the boy.
Zimmerman apparently pursued him anyway, at some point getting out of his car and confronting the boy. Trayvon had a bag of Skittles and a can of iced tea. Zimmerman had a 9 millimeter handgun.
The two allegedly engaged in a physical altercation. There was yelling, and then a gunshot.
When police arrived, Trayvon was face down in the grass with a fatal bullet wound to the chest. Zimmerman was standing with blood on his face and the back of his head and grass stains on his back, according to The Orlando Sentinel.
Trayvon’s lifeless body was taken away, tagged and held. Zimmerman was taken into custody, questioned and released. Zimmerman said he was the one yelling for help. He said that he acted in self-defense. The police say that they have found no evidence to dispute Zimmerman’s claim.
As the father of two black teenage boys, this case hits close to home. This is the fear that seizes me whenever my boys are out in the world: that a man with a gun and an itchy finger will find them “suspicious.” That passions may run hot and blood run cold. That it might all end with a hole in their chest and hole in my heart. That the law might prove insufficient to salve my loss. That is the burden of black boys in America and the people that love them: running the risk of being descended upon in the dark and caught in the cross-hairs of someone who crosses the line.
One of the witnesses was a 13-year-old black boy who recorded a video for The Orlando Sentinel recounting what he saw. The boy is wearing a striped polo shirt, holding a microphone, speaking low and deliberately and has the heavy look of worry and sadness in his eyes. He describes hearing screaming, seeing someone on the ground and hearing gunshots. The video ends with the boy saying, “I just think that sometimes people get stereotyped, and I fit into the stereotype as the person who got shot.”
And that is the burden of black boys, and this case can either ease or exacerbate it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)