Ain't Nobody got Time for Dat!!!

This is a very personal list for me..........might not speak to you but some things I just had to express. 

Ain't nobody got time for your insecurities........I have enough of my own that I am trying to get over and deal with.  Don't project yours on me to the tune of  "why are you doing that?" "you're going by yourself?" "how come you don't JUST....?"

Ain't nobody got time for you counting MY change........I admit I like nice things and am a proud flag carrier for the bougie committee but I have NEVER asked you to support any of my habits so don't worry about how much my handbag, shoes, beauty treatments etc cost

Ain't nobody got time for your complaining......I understand the need to vent every now and again, but that constant moaning and whining about EVERYTHING is just annoying

Ain't nobody got time for your religious debates........I am a child of the King and can't help but be amazed and in awe about what He does for me everyday.  However, I will not push it down your throat or try to convince you in any way.  I just live my life and treat everyone with courtesy and respect and expect you to do the same.  I won't share my testimony unless you ask me to

Ain't nobody got time for your concept of family.......when I say she is my mother and he is my brother, that's exactly what I mean. I have no problem and welcome you asking questions to get understanding, but you will not refer to them as "step" or "half" or "fake" or "real" with me.  Do that under your breath

Ain't nobody got time for you to use them......I know I put myself out there to be used at times, but when you take advantage and don't have any reciprocation.......just SMH.  Thankfully, I have always been given back pressed down, shaken together and running over from other sources :)

Ain't nobody got time for your uncompromising ways.....we can't always get what we want, and as nice as I am, I NEVER coddle.  That's too early for you, ok I'll see you when you get there. You don't want to pay that much, ok we'll get together next time.  You don't eat any of this food, did you pack a snack?  Oh, I'm sorry you'll have to wait. 

Ain't nobody got time to wait on you to decide how you feel about me.......to steal the words from Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes (AKA Teddy Pendegrass :) "if you don't know me by now, you will never ever know me"  Truth is, you know exactly how you feel!! 

Words for Women from Dr. Phil.........with tidbits from me :)

This is advice Dr. Phil gave to women a couple of years ago.  It really spoke to me then and still does now so I wanted to share.  Ramblings, foolywang and nonsensical comments in red are from me.  LOL!  Enjoy

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay..

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.  - he is not that busy, nor is he that stressed..he just don't want you.  Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.  - HALLELUJAH!!   Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you. - WOW! 
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. - Shawty Lo....hahahahaha
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior.* Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. - borrow?  hmmmmm
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs. - very true :)  lots of good ones out there
You should not be the one doing all the bending....
Compromise is two way street..

You need time to heal between relationships....
There is nothing cute about baggage....
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship- PREACH

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals....
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. - also, never date a man that doesn't have  reliable transportation method

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful.

You should know that:
You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.

They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.
Make the right one.

Ladies take care of your own hearts....

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...

You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare

Playlists

A few people have asked me for my Bedroom Jamz playlist so I decided to publish it here just because :)  This is the playlist currently......It always changes but I keep it under 30 songs.  Hope you enjoy!

Bedroom Jamz....WARNING!!  Do not listen while at work

1. Til the Cops Come Knocking                     Maxwell
2. Whip Appeal                                              Babyface
3. In the Morning                                            Urban Mystic
4. Calling Me                                                 Raheem DeVaughn
5. Let me Make Love to You                          The O'Jays
6. Crown Royal                                              Jill Scott
7. Beautiful                                                     Me'Shell Ndegecello
8. Whenever, Wherever, Whatever                 Maxwell
9. Hey Now                                                    Carl Thomas
10. With You                                                  Marsha Ambrosius
11. Best Part of the Day                                  Urban Mystic
12. Love Me Down                                        Freddie Jackson
13. Freak N' You                                            Jodeci
14. Lick                                                          Joi
15. #!'@ You Tonight                                     Biggie Smalls & R. Kelly
16. If Only for One Night                                Luther Vandross
17. Love Won't Let Me Wait                           Luther Vandross
18. Love Scene                                                Joe
19. Come & Go With Me                                Teddy Pendegrass
20. Love's Greatest Episode                           Joe
21. Meeting in My Bedroom                           Silk
22. Sweet Love                                               Anita Baker
23. Don't Let Go                                              EnVogue
24. You                                                           Jesse Powell
25. Don't Say No Just Say Yes                        Avant
26. 12 Play                                                      R. Kelly


I will post my Sunday Morning Shoutin, Heartbreak Brown Liquor, Kanye's Workout Plan and If This Ain't Love playlists later this week  :) 

Education, Service and Relationships

Because I consider myself an armchair psychologist and a cross between Dr. Phil, Iyanla and sometimes Sister Souljah, I love analyzing others and analyzing myself.   And as I was preparing for my 2013, I spent a LOT of time in reflection on areas in my life where I wanted to concentrate.  I came up with relationships, education and service.  After so much tragedy and witnessing a lost generation, I knew I wanted to do more for my community, so I set out an intentional and focused plan on areas where I thought I could be beneficial.  That was easy.  I also knew that I had future goals for my career and creating sources of supplemental income, so I researched and planned courses and opportunities for me to sharpen my skills in order to have the life I desire.  That was also easy. 

The real work came in my dealings with relationships. I desire to continue and to grow the friendships I currently have, be more available and present with my family, and to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for a relationship with a life partner.  So why is this such hard work for me?  Because in order to be purposeful and intentional in improving ME, I have to be honest and truthful in why this area is important and needs work.

It was easy diagnosing why education and service was important and needed work .  They just hadn't been focused on for several years as time, other interests and job stabilization got in the way.  And as I saw people around me who needed help, I HAD to do something.  And now that I am happy and comfortable with my job, I knew it was time to push and challenge myself to greater levels.....to really use my talents in a way that will help me live the life I desire.  It was a no brainer.  But identifying my breakdown of close relationships was much harder........because it can be painful to look inside.

Here's what I discovered:  I love HARD.  And when you love that hard and people leave, or change, or you outgrow, or they make bad decisions it is painful to endure.  It's like some one stole a little piece of you, and you long for and reminisce about they way it used to be.  And many times when you are building these relationships, you get rejected.  Your services are not wanted.  So under the guise of "minding my business" I haven't always formed the most connected relationships.  While I have gotten much better at it from growth and working on other parts of me, I don't make being connected a priority.  And when it's all said and done, I want to be known as a good daughter, sister, friend and confidante but I am not doing the WORK it takes to become that.  Not in the way I desire to be.....all emotional, all compassionate, and all introspective.  So I have decided to instead of letting people know how I feel about them and what they mean to me, to SHOW them.  To repair broken relationships, to let broken relationships go, to focus on people who focus on me and stop devoting time and attention to those who don't.  And that's a hard task for a people pleaser like me :)  But in the short time that I have made this a focused priority, I have gained SOOOOO much more than I have lost.

This lends itself directly to me preparing myself for dating, love, romance and all that other gushy stuff  :)   So paramount that I will say it again:  To repair broken relationships, to let broken relationships go, to focus on people who focus on me and stop devoting time and attention to those who don't. 

33 Things Before 34

The holidays were SUPER busy and I have not been able to update my blog about my experiences, growth, adventures and insightful revelations!! But there's been a'plenty....and I can't wait to share them with you.  For starters, here is my list of 33 things I plan on doing before I turn 34 in December of 2013.  These are mainly focused on relationships, education and service and are designed to take me out of my comfort zone, unleash hidden potential or just for fun.  What do you think?

1. Create guest room and literary lounge
2. Get certification
3. Take blogging/writing class
4. Take a make-up class
5. Call family & friends on way to gym and Food Lion
6. Have a carb free and/or meatless day once a week
7. Chair a committee (AKA/JLC/etc..)
8. Organize all closets
9. Take MH on a trip
10. Visit Houston, Fayetteville AR, D.C.
11. Send 2 thinking of you cards monthly
12. Adopt a family for entire year
13. Take advanced excel classes
14. Go to 2 city council and black chamber of commerce meetings
15. Ask some one out on a date
16. Host parlor meeting/power lunches  (3 total)
17. Dr. Oz 3 day cleanse
18. Create travel, family, special moments memory book
19. Send Valentine's letters
20. Buy Rosetta Stone Spanish
21. Ramblin Rose triathlon training program
22. Host a Panther tailgate
23. Purge desks and drawers
24. Go ice skating
25. Become a mentor
26. Research and take steps to sit on a board
27. Take a mental health day once a month
28. Start steps for "Network & Connections" idea
29. Donate to both Alma maters
30. Go to social event where I won't know anyone by myself
31. Increase my PIE professionally
32. Plan special event for girlfriend
33. Host 3 things at my house

The Message

I am a salesperson....not at heart, but by trade.  I have been in sales for over 10yrs now and it appears I will be here for a while.  In my professional world, as a salesperson, I have become somewhat of a MASTER of messaging.  I don't write long emails where you have to scroll down to see entire message, I use non-offensive words to get hard messages across and I always ask if I am understood or if that was the information they were looking for.  I try to be very clear and consistent with my words and my actions.  To date, I have done a pretty good job with this : )  **pats self on the back** 

Early on in my career, one of my mentors stressed to me the importance of a message track.  My message track needed to be composed of three parts: performace, image exposure  (PIE).   And that I needed to have a 30 sec elevator speech about what I do well and how I add value to bottom line.  Since that time, I have held 3 different roles and have moved on to a new company, but at the drop of a dime I can recite my message track to any level.  "I manage distribution, pricing, merchandising and shelf placement of branded grocery products at a major retail chain in Southeast consisting of over 1600 stores and manage $45M trade budget where I have grown my product share in canned prepared pasta and oils to 80% and 16% respectively; in the top 10 of any  U.S. retailer. I am looking for opportunities to greater utilize and develop my skills in category management, consumer analytics and emerging market trends."   It changes depending on the time and recent accomplishment, but the base is always the same:  I am a manager in CPG sales with national retailer, I grow volume & share and I have the technical skills to do it.  PERIOD. But today's post is not about my professional message track, it's about my personal(dating)one.....or lack thereof.

I assumed that my intentions and actions were clear about what I wanted from the opposite sex.  I don't dress too provocatively, I don't engage in bedroom talk, I have a 5 finger rule.......I mean I am doing all the right stuff to let a man know that I am not trying to "kick it" or be a "bed buddy" or "homey/lover/friend"....................or so I thought.  But I was getting into situations where I was "mad cool" and "so accommodating" and "the homey" but never the GIRLFRIEND.  Now in my mind, I could chalk all this up to men being dogs and only wanting one thing..........but the truth is, these were good guys.  The problem was not with them, it was with ME. 

I wanted to look available but not desperate, sexy but not slutty, classy but not bougie, valuable but not high maintenance.  That's a LOT of work. It's easy to get mixed up when you're tying to do too much.  So here's the question, if I'm acting and carrying myself as a lady then what ELSE do I have to do to make my message clear?  And why in the world did he approach ME like that but Shanna got top shelf treatment??  Do we really wanna know the answer????   It's SOOOOO simple.  JUST SAY IT!!!!!  Period. Point. Blank. 

My issue was I expected the guy to understand from my actions that I was looking for a relationship(P).  I expected him to interpret my intentions from my image(I);  I'm a good girl :).   And these were actually good guys who weren't out to do anyone wrong so I wasn't getting bad exposure(E).  My PIE was in order.  But the main ingredient was missing;  I had no message track.  I did not say that at this time in my life, my purpose for dating is to meet some one with whom I could potentially build a life.  That I love to have a good time and chill as much as the next one, but intimacy would not be involved on that level.  Instead, I smiled pretty, was easy to get along with and didn't say anything that would ruffle feathers.  Why?  Because I wanted him to like me.  After he liked me, THEN I could say the things I wanted to say.  But that's too late.....because by then I like him.  And I become more willing to let time slide and accept less than what I want.   And having that hard conversation is scary...we are afraid to sate our feelings for fear of the repercussions.  But regardless if I say it now or say it later, the repercussions are there.  Here's an important lesson I learned at thirty:  whether I say it out loud or not, I still want it.  So either I have to not want it anymore or state I want it and go after it.  Hey, it's worked very well in my professional life....might as well try it personally.

My other issue was not listening.  No, not that I talked too much or was focused on me, but I didn't pay attention to the signals right in front of me.  Maya Angelou said "when a man tells you who he is, believe him"  If he jokingly says that he is no good for a woman right now, HE MEANS IT.  You're not going to change his mind.  If you ask him what his intentions are and he hems and haws and says "sees where things are going" but doesn't give specifics....LISTEN UP!!  He may see how wonderful and what a great catch you are and change his mind, but don't hold  your breath. LOL!

Another issue I had was with trying to be the coach.....multiple dating....or the "bench".  You know, date several people at the same time and see who steps up to be the starting point guard.......Yeah, it didn't work for me either.  LOL!  I think that only works for men.  Between work, family, friends, AKA, JLC, church, Zumba, the gym, etc my schedule can't fit a bench.  "Ain't nobody got time for that"    Sweet "Georgia" Brown  You know it's time to stop pretending to play when you completely forgot some one on your team even existed. LOL!   And I also deem myself a loyalist.....if I like you, I like YOU.  Once I truly like you, I don't have the urge to think or look for anyone else.  Now, I'm not saying that if  I'm single that I'm not going to be open to other single guys just because I have a little crush on a guy who asked for my number......because I most definitely am.......I'm just not going to have a rotating line-up. 

So the older I get, the more open and honest I have become.  I am very open that I love making new friends and hanging out, but I am not remotely interested in a casual sexual relationship.  I am dating to meet some one with whom I could potentially build a life.  I kinda like Regine's line from Living Single:  "I don't date; I audition life partners"  I'm constantly working on my PIE because it is essential to achieving the things I desire, but more importantly, it is essential to eliminating the things I don't. 

My Birthday is Approaching.......

My 33rd birthday is in December so I'm reposting this as a "note to self"......I do this as I am writing about mixed messages women send : 0


30 Things I Learned by 30

1. If you have a problem, come with a solution ~ otherwise no one cares
2. Quiet time is PRICELESS
3. Pay yourself first – spiritually, emotionally, financially
4. Crying and laughing is good for the soul
5. God has a flair for the dramatics and a wicked sense of humor
6. The best relationships are the ones you approach with what you can give, not what you can get
7. Paying tithes truly increases your finances
8. Family can be defined by more than blood
9. There is strength and courage in walking away
10. When a man tells you who he is, believe him – thanks Maya A.
11. I have better things to do with my time than clean my house
12. No one really cares what you look like in your swimsuit
13. Gas stations are NOT the place to meet potential life mates
14. A smile goes a long way
15. I do not need to be accessible all the time
16. You can only pretend for so long, eventually the truth comes out
17. God created 8:30 services for football Sundays
18. Pray Until Something Happens
19. Personal business is just that; personal
20. Stuff happens. All the time. To everybody. Not just you. Deal with it.
21. Business casual is not a dress code
22. There’s nothing better for confidence than a good pair of jeans
23. Investing in a 401(k), VUL, IRA, money market account, & savings account is sexy
24. Spending a little money to get your clothes altered to fit and your shoes fixed goes a long way
25. Silence is the best negotiation, information gathering ,anger diffusing and ignorance defense tactic there is
26. Even if it means that my hair is going to look a mess, I’m hitting the gym!
27. I can’t vacation or shop with everyone and I can’t stay in just any hotel; I have a little bourgeoisie in me
28. Never tell your family how much or little money you make; just asking for trouble
29. Use every day of vacation time you get; EVERYDAY – thanks H. Mapp
30. I can go out to eat, go to the movies, travel and go out by myself and LOVE it