5 Finger Rule

Everyone is talking about the 90 day Rule......I'm sure you have heard all about it from Joan of "Girlfriends" and more recently Steve Harvey's book and movie "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"  It is the premise that a lady should wait 90 days before sleeping with a man in order to get to know him on a real level.  There have been various thoughts to this practice;  from "I'm not waiting that long" and "we're both grown, so what's the point" to "90 days is a fair amount of time to wait to see if my hormones and my heart are in alliance"  It has caused quite a stir and fostered deep conversations and debate.  I have talked about this very same subject not only with my girlfriends, but also with guys who want to share their perspective. Since I am always creating random top 10 lists, I was asked if I had a 90 day rule lists or such.  Actually, nope, never really thought about it that way. But I do have a five finger rule...or basically 5 things that MUST be met before any lady should talk of intimacy.  Here goes:

1) He should know your last name
2) 3 Outside date before any house dates
3) Must visit his place before your address is given
4) You must dance together
5) "Sleep" together before you "sleep" together

So....que voulez-vous dire veuillez?  What do you mean, please? Well let's break it down.

#1) He should know your last name.  It's simple really.  In an effort to get to know more about you, your last name should come up.  You have to put your full name on any official document so one would expect that knowing a last name would be the most common of knowledge to obtain.  But....you KNOW guys.  Has anyone ever tried to kiss you and you felt like it was waaaay too forward and too early?  Like no magic was there and you hadn't even had the opportunity to figure out if you liked him?  Try this trick, it's AMAZING how often it works.  When he is going in for the kiss, slyly pull back and smile, and ask him, "hey, do you know my last name?"  Maybe its just me, but you can't possibly like ME if you haven't even taken the time to learn my name.  NO kiss for you :)  My thinking is, if he hasn't  listened or inquired enough about you to figure out your last name, he's probably not trying to build anything with you. 

#2) 3 outside dates before any house dates.  Three AT A MINIMUM. This is a VERY important rule.  I have heard many women say that men don't know how to court anymore.  That they don't ask to go out nor do they plan ahead when wanting to see you. So here's what usually happens......he suggests that he'll come over to your spot, bring some food and ya'll can watch a movie together.  Cute right!   Not really.  Hear me out, if ya'll have been out on several dates and already have established a repoire, this IS cute.  But if ya'll have only gone to a movie and out to dinner and its been 2 weeks, this is not cute at ALL.  Why is that, you ask?  Because it creates a false sense of familiarity.  It's in your comfort zone, it's private and intimate and after one evening it feels like you have known him forever.  HA!  And now, since house dates are in the picture, it's very easy to revert to.  Because he can call you up at anytime and say he wants to come over.  No real plan or forethought.  No dressing up.  Just cool and casual.  Here is the issue:  You have NOT know him forever.  And because you are in a private place, you kiss longer, harder and more places than you would had he taken you out.  So you end up having sex earlier than you planned or imagined.  Now you're mad because ALL he does is come by the house....you NEVER go anywhere anymore.....and you NEVER know when he will be available.  It's a wait and see approach.  So how does 3 outside dates help prevent that?  It MAKES him court you....at least for a little while.  The false sense of familiarity doesn't appear so early.  Here are some additional insights you will learn during these 3 dates:  Are they in prime time? - weekend nights.  Are they planned? - you know Wednesday that he wants to see you Friday....might not know what ya'll are doing, but he's putting his bid in for your time.  How close are they? if he wants to see you, he'll make time......shouldn't take a month to do 3 dates   Is he trying to skip the 3 date rule because he is so "busy?"  Really?  You're that busy? You would not believe how many undesirables you can weed out with this rule, as simple as it seems :) ........But at some point, house dates should enter the picture.  Which brings me to the next rule.....

#3) Must visit his place before your address is given. This is sooo paramount I will say it again:  Must visit his place before your address is given.  Men are MUCH more guarded with their personal space and life than women are.  It's that nurturing part of us that wants to take people in our house, feed them entertain them, etc...  Men don't necessarily have that.  Their man castle is just that...THEIR castle.  So they are cautious about just letting anybody in there.  If you can let him into your body, he SURELY can let you into his house.  While there, you know what to do :)  See who's name is on the magazine subscriptions......look at his pictures......does he have a roommate..... if he has kids, do they have a spot in his house....... BTW, very random observance, but single men under the age of 33ish have very little furniture.  Nice couch, nice bed, awesome TVs and the rest is non existent.  LOL  Plus, men are very worried that women will turn up at their house unannounced...and although I know you would never do that, this just puts it in the back of his mind.  Haha.  So basically, the first house dates should be at his place.  This way, if you're not ready, you don't have to make up excuses why he should leave, you just get up and go!!!    And trust me, if he has too many excuses as to why you can't go to his house, there is someone else living there or has open access. 

#4) You must dance together.  This is a weird one.  Dancing is not really meant to be literal, I just use it as an example.  A guy once told me that he didn't invite the girl he was seeing at the moment to an event because she may have wanted to slow dance and that was just too much.  I was FLOORED.  I started asking questions and derived that the issue was one of two things; or possibly both.  1) He didn't like to slow dance, period.  2) Dancing was too intimate.   The reason this baffled me so is because they were sleeping together, but DANCING was too intimate?  Seemed crazy to me, but that's because I'm a girl.  Dancing requires being held, looking into each other's eyes and being comfortable doing it.  That's not necessarily needed to sleep with some one.  Or possibly, he wasn't big on dancing, made him uncomfortable.  Either way, this sent off a signal to me.  He has to be willing to do something out of his comfort zone simply because YOU want to.  Be it dancing, seeing the most romantic girly movie, having dinner with you and 3 of your girlfriends........SOMETHING that's intimate.  Because when he sleeps with you and the crazy emotional switch cuts on, you want to know that he at least likes you enough to watch "The Notebook" with you. 

#5) "Sleep" together before you "sleep" together.  Just to know that he can and will.  I wouldn't suggest you test this too soon or too often though........


Side notes:
I mention to check & see if he has a space in his home for his kids i.e. toys, playroom, bed because if he does not, it could spell that he has baby mama drama or deadbeat dad syndrome.
I also mention checking the name on the magazine subscriptions because men don't typically have issues of Jet, Ebony at the house. Some one may have left it there.

Hoes be Winning...........

Hoes be winning........It definitely seems that way sometimes.  I read an article in a fairly respectable publication that said 2011 was the "Year of the Hoe".  They had a great year.  I surely heard all thru 2011 that "hoes be winning" and witnessed this phenomenon with my own eyes.  Which caused me to ponder two crucial questions:  If hoes are winning, who is losing?  and What are hoes doing to win? 

So let's break this down.....

First, what do we mean by "hoes be winning?"  The simplest way I can break it down to everyday terms is this:  when you see the girl who has a tried and true reputation of sleeping with numerous men, dressing a tad bit inappropriately and not always acting in a ladylike manner, gets in a RELATIONSHIP with a GOOD guy.  THAT'S "hoes be winning."  For all my ladies out there, I know what you start thinking.....believe me, I have done it too.  You say, "she's cool and all, but a RELATIONSHIP? REALLY?" You start to question everything you have been taught in life. Clearly, it's the end days.  And I am not saying that just because a woman has had several sexual partners and wears tight clothes that she is not worthy of a good relationship with a good guy.  It's just that I have been taught since I was a wee girl that men don't like those type of girls for long.  They may have fun with them but they won't commit to them.  They are not going to take that type of girl out in public.  So when I started to see this happen on more than one occasion I started to agree that "hoes be winning"

So if hoes are winning, then who is losing?

Interesting question.....the obvious answer is single independent women.  But let's narrow and focus down just a bit.  The biggest losers are the women who intentionally go places specifically trying to meet men and have no luck.  They still wind up spending Saturday night with the girls and lamenting on FB and twitter about how special they are and complaining that there are no good guys out there and getting WAAAAYYY to excited about the possibility of a lunch date.  NOW, I'm not calling them lonely heffas or nothing.......I'm just saying.  LOL! 

So what are hoes doing to win?

Great question.....the obvious answer is easy access to the goodies.  But again, let's narrow and focus down a bit.  The real answer is they have a cost for entry.  Now do not get me wrong, I am not talking about prostitution or gold diggers, I mean a set list of requirements for her to even entertain the idea of getting with some one.  Novel concept ain't it :)  SHE MAKES A BARTER.  If she wants to go out on a date, she doesn't fidget or pause about asking him to do so....if he wants to continue to spend time with her, he will.  If not, she has other options and will keep it moving.  No love lost. 

So what's the BIG difference?
The big difference is that the "loser" is so afraid of losing the she doesn't even put herself in a position to win.  She wants to look available but not desperate, sexy but not slutty, classy but not bougie, valuable but not high maintenance.  That's a LOT of work.  Whereas hoes believe they can get what they want.  Now I'm not saying to adopt a hoes value system, but adopting a TRUE mindset of asking for what you want.  Because I have learned, whether I say it out loud or not, I STILL want it.  And I only end up disappointed and upset if I don't get it.  So I either have to stop wanting it, or ask for it. 

By the way, I don't know what I'm talking about half the time so take my rambling with a grain of salt.  I haven't had a man since Skip was a pup.  LOL