The Message

I am a salesperson....not at heart, but by trade.  I have been in sales for over 10yrs now and it appears I will be here for a while.  In my professional world, as a salesperson, I have become somewhat of a MASTER of messaging.  I don't write long emails where you have to scroll down to see entire message, I use non-offensive words to get hard messages across and I always ask if I am understood or if that was the information they were looking for.  I try to be very clear and consistent with my words and my actions.  To date, I have done a pretty good job with this : )  **pats self on the back** 

Early on in my career, one of my mentors stressed to me the importance of a message track.  My message track needed to be composed of three parts: performace, image exposure  (PIE).   And that I needed to have a 30 sec elevator speech about what I do well and how I add value to bottom line.  Since that time, I have held 3 different roles and have moved on to a new company, but at the drop of a dime I can recite my message track to any level.  "I manage distribution, pricing, merchandising and shelf placement of branded grocery products at a major retail chain in Southeast consisting of over 1600 stores and manage $45M trade budget where I have grown my product share in canned prepared pasta and oils to 80% and 16% respectively; in the top 10 of any  U.S. retailer. I am looking for opportunities to greater utilize and develop my skills in category management, consumer analytics and emerging market trends."   It changes depending on the time and recent accomplishment, but the base is always the same:  I am a manager in CPG sales with national retailer, I grow volume & share and I have the technical skills to do it.  PERIOD. But today's post is not about my professional message track, it's about my personal(dating)one.....or lack thereof.

I assumed that my intentions and actions were clear about what I wanted from the opposite sex.  I don't dress too provocatively, I don't engage in bedroom talk, I have a 5 finger rule.......I mean I am doing all the right stuff to let a man know that I am not trying to "kick it" or be a "bed buddy" or "homey/lover/friend"....................or so I thought.  But I was getting into situations where I was "mad cool" and "so accommodating" and "the homey" but never the GIRLFRIEND.  Now in my mind, I could chalk all this up to men being dogs and only wanting one thing..........but the truth is, these were good guys.  The problem was not with them, it was with ME. 

I wanted to look available but not desperate, sexy but not slutty, classy but not bougie, valuable but not high maintenance.  That's a LOT of work. It's easy to get mixed up when you're tying to do too much.  So here's the question, if I'm acting and carrying myself as a lady then what ELSE do I have to do to make my message clear?  And why in the world did he approach ME like that but Shanna got top shelf treatment??  Do we really wanna know the answer????   It's SOOOOO simple.  JUST SAY IT!!!!!  Period. Point. Blank. 

My issue was I expected the guy to understand from my actions that I was looking for a relationship(P).  I expected him to interpret my intentions from my image(I);  I'm a good girl :).   And these were actually good guys who weren't out to do anyone wrong so I wasn't getting bad exposure(E).  My PIE was in order.  But the main ingredient was missing;  I had no message track.  I did not say that at this time in my life, my purpose for dating is to meet some one with whom I could potentially build a life.  That I love to have a good time and chill as much as the next one, but intimacy would not be involved on that level.  Instead, I smiled pretty, was easy to get along with and didn't say anything that would ruffle feathers.  Why?  Because I wanted him to like me.  After he liked me, THEN I could say the things I wanted to say.  But that's too late.....because by then I like him.  And I become more willing to let time slide and accept less than what I want.   And having that hard conversation is scary...we are afraid to sate our feelings for fear of the repercussions.  But regardless if I say it now or say it later, the repercussions are there.  Here's an important lesson I learned at thirty:  whether I say it out loud or not, I still want it.  So either I have to not want it anymore or state I want it and go after it.  Hey, it's worked very well in my professional life....might as well try it personally.

My other issue was not listening.  No, not that I talked too much or was focused on me, but I didn't pay attention to the signals right in front of me.  Maya Angelou said "when a man tells you who he is, believe him"  If he jokingly says that he is no good for a woman right now, HE MEANS IT.  You're not going to change his mind.  If you ask him what his intentions are and he hems and haws and says "sees where things are going" but doesn't give specifics....LISTEN UP!!  He may see how wonderful and what a great catch you are and change his mind, but don't hold  your breath. LOL!

Another issue I had was with trying to be the coach.....multiple dating....or the "bench".  You know, date several people at the same time and see who steps up to be the starting point guard.......Yeah, it didn't work for me either.  LOL!  I think that only works for men.  Between work, family, friends, AKA, JLC, church, Zumba, the gym, etc my schedule can't fit a bench.  "Ain't nobody got time for that"    Sweet "Georgia" Brown  You know it's time to stop pretending to play when you completely forgot some one on your team even existed. LOL!   And I also deem myself a loyalist.....if I like you, I like YOU.  Once I truly like you, I don't have the urge to think or look for anyone else.  Now, I'm not saying that if  I'm single that I'm not going to be open to other single guys just because I have a little crush on a guy who asked for my number......because I most definitely am.......I'm just not going to have a rotating line-up. 

So the older I get, the more open and honest I have become.  I am very open that I love making new friends and hanging out, but I am not remotely interested in a casual sexual relationship.  I am dating to meet some one with whom I could potentially build a life.  I kinda like Regine's line from Living Single:  "I don't date; I audition life partners"  I'm constantly working on my PIE because it is essential to achieving the things I desire, but more importantly, it is essential to eliminating the things I don't. 

My Birthday is Approaching.......

My 33rd birthday is in December so I'm reposting this as a "note to self"......I do this as I am writing about mixed messages women send : 0


30 Things I Learned by 30

1. If you have a problem, come with a solution ~ otherwise no one cares
2. Quiet time is PRICELESS
3. Pay yourself first – spiritually, emotionally, financially
4. Crying and laughing is good for the soul
5. God has a flair for the dramatics and a wicked sense of humor
6. The best relationships are the ones you approach with what you can give, not what you can get
7. Paying tithes truly increases your finances
8. Family can be defined by more than blood
9. There is strength and courage in walking away
10. When a man tells you who he is, believe him – thanks Maya A.
11. I have better things to do with my time than clean my house
12. No one really cares what you look like in your swimsuit
13. Gas stations are NOT the place to meet potential life mates
14. A smile goes a long way
15. I do not need to be accessible all the time
16. You can only pretend for so long, eventually the truth comes out
17. God created 8:30 services for football Sundays
18. Pray Until Something Happens
19. Personal business is just that; personal
20. Stuff happens. All the time. To everybody. Not just you. Deal with it.
21. Business casual is not a dress code
22. There’s nothing better for confidence than a good pair of jeans
23. Investing in a 401(k), VUL, IRA, money market account, & savings account is sexy
24. Spending a little money to get your clothes altered to fit and your shoes fixed goes a long way
25. Silence is the best negotiation, information gathering ,anger diffusing and ignorance defense tactic there is
26. Even if it means that my hair is going to look a mess, I’m hitting the gym!
27. I can’t vacation or shop with everyone and I can’t stay in just any hotel; I have a little bourgeoisie in me
28. Never tell your family how much or little money you make; just asking for trouble
29. Use every day of vacation time you get; EVERYDAY – thanks H. Mapp
30. I can go out to eat, go to the movies, travel and go out by myself and LOVE it