Hey! So I have some thoughts, opinions, observations about some current topics that I wanted to share. Nothing at all earth shattering or worth significant import, but I know ya'll wanted to know my thoughts about them, so here goes. LOL
A few weeks ago, a pastor at a large church made a controversial statement in one of his sermons. He stated a line from a famous philosopher of our time, Chris Brown. This pastor quoted C.B. and said "these hoes ain't loyal" Many people stated that this type of secular message did not belong in the church, and that the language was offensive and that it was not biblically based. I listened to the message online and began to laugh at myself. Why? Because I had never really listened to this pastor before. I have seen him and know about him, but was never inspired to actually listen to a message of his until now. So you know what, mission accomplished. Here's my thoughts on the subject; similar to gospel rap, I don't need the "flash" to get me to worship and pray.....but some people do. And I am all for whatever draws you to the true message of Christ. In listening to the pastor's message, he wasn't wrong. He used scripture to get his message across to his audience........a room full of single women who probably struggle with this issue everyday. And from the video, they didn't seem to have a problem with it. They were testifying and carrying on.....LOL! So while the phrase might not have been my choice to get my message across, I believe his point was well served in getting others to listen to his message. This may have been the only Word some one heard all day or all week or all month.....so it did not come back void. So while your personal conviction may be this is not the church or messenger for me, for some one else, this could be the message that gets them closer to the cross. Overall, it wasn't a big deal to me, but I understand some people's uncomfortableness.......but I couldn't understand the complete outrage. Maybe it's just me : )
There was great internet buzz recently about a picture of a felon that was posted. Many women left comments under the picture saying he was attractive. This sent people up in arms. I thought this was quite interesting because the ones who had the MOST to say about this topic were men. They were calling these women thirsty, and loving thugs, and all manner of things. LOL. Now I didn't read the comments of the women, and heard that there were TONS of inappropriate and crazy comments on his pic and even a fund to raise his bail. Now THAT is extreme. And yes, that is thirsty. But what was funny to me was that guys even went up in arms by women stating a simple truth: he is a physically attractive man. Period. Does that mean I want him? NO. Does that mean I want a thug or bad boy? NO. Does that mean I am thirsty? I sure hope not.....there are several men I see everyday who I think are physically attractive. Doesn't mean I want them either. The point is, women have the ability to think a man OR woman is physically attractive and have no sexual or lustful desires towards them. At ALL. We also have the ability to not be attracted to some one, and over time and charm, think he is the sexiest thing alive. LOL. We're just weird that way. Truth be told, I always think it a shame and travesty when an intelligent, creative and attractive young black man goes to jail......because potential has been lost; at least temporarily.
Instagram is a social media site where you can post pictures. They range from selfies, to OOTD, to nature pics, to vacations and the whole gamut. But 2 phenoms about IG confuse me....1) getting likes and 2) posting those who have liked your posts. Now I understand that we are posting pics for others to see or comment or to update friends and family about our lives and special moments. Yes, you expect some one to "like" them. But what confuses me, are those people who state that some one is all on their IG lurking but never liking their pics.....how can you tell? No seriously, is there an app for that? How can you tell? If some one is always commenting to you about the things you do and places you've been and you know they only know that thru IG, I see your point. But otherwise, maybe my pics just don't inspire you to "like". Maybe you are not on IG as much as I am and don't see half the pics I post. Maybe you follow a LOT more people than I do and your timeline is flooded with activity. And furthermore, maybe I never even noticed who didn't "like" my pics. The second part to my confusion is that screen shot of the person who has "liked" several of your photos. You know the one.....where they have a list of 5 pics and the follower who liked them....and they "shout out" the follower for showing them love. The part that confuses me, is what is the person supposed to do next? It would make me feel a bit stalkerish, LOL. And am I supposed to "like" the pic of me "liking" all the pics? And how does this make other followers feel who also show love? I'm just not sure about the etiquette of IG. I need a handbook. LOL
Friday, June 27, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
It's Just Hair
Yep, I have FINALLY said it out loud. IT'S JUST HAIR!!! I don't get the big deal. Now hear me out, hear me out. I applaud and support the natural movement, the healthy hair movement, etc.... And you have every right to be proud and wear your t-shirts and use your hashtags; they are cute and I enjoy them! But here is what I mean when I say it's just hair. It does not define me nor my beauty nor self worth.....it's just hair. I applaud and encourage those ladies who go natural to embrace their natural beauty, or are trying to attain healthy hair. That's cool, do YOU! On the same hand, I applaud and encourage those ladies who wear weaves and wigs to achieve different looks or who want an easy maintenance style. That's cool, do YOU! The worrisome part is the battle between the two....LOL!
I have read blogs and comments where #TeamNatural will degrade and condemn those with relaxed hair stating that they hate themselves and need poison to feel beautiful and wear all this weave......huh? And on the flip side, I have seen the other side rage against #TeamNatural and state they are not combing their hair and claiming everyone doesn't look good natural.....huh? Why must your pride and preference for one make you degrade the other? I know we all have our personal reasons for how and why we style our hair in certain ways and each face our own frustrations and exasperation, but I don't see the point in tearing down the other. If you want to educate others on why you choose your certain style and rave about the benefits and versatility, then great. We could all learn from that. But to spend time condemning the other..........????
And why has this bothered me? Because as black women we have so much more to worry about in our community and our public perception that THIS should NOT be the most prevalent topic of interest.....and definitely not divide us. Straight, braided or natural, the "white" community doesn't completely understand our hair anyway so this battle is just between us. I think we would be better served to uplift and support each other, regardless of hairstyle, because in the end....it's just hair.
Why do I say it's just hair.....because there are many women battling cancer or alopecia or other diseases and couldn't give a rat's tail about what's growing out of their scalp...but are concentrating on their health
Why do I say it's just hair.....because hair is a main component of why black women don't exercise
Why do I say it's just hair.....because you buy any kind of hair you want
Why do I say it's just hair..... because it doesn't make you a better or worse person
Why do I say it's just hair.....because in case you have a condition, it grows back
Why do I say it's just hair.....because it's YOUR head
Now, if we would jump on this bandwagon of health,diet and nutrition, or education, or empowering other women, forcing the media to portray positive examples........then we would have something going : )
By the way, huge kudos to BGR (Black Girls Run), National Coalition 100 Black Men and National Coalition of100 Black Women, National Urban League, Mocha Moms, Greek Fraternities and Sororities and all other organizations that work hard everyday to improve, educate and uplift their communities. And another huge kudos goes out to journalists and media groups who fairly represent all classes and races. We see you and appreciate you.
I have read blogs and comments where #TeamNatural will degrade and condemn those with relaxed hair stating that they hate themselves and need poison to feel beautiful and wear all this weave......huh? And on the flip side, I have seen the other side rage against #TeamNatural and state they are not combing their hair and claiming everyone doesn't look good natural.....huh? Why must your pride and preference for one make you degrade the other? I know we all have our personal reasons for how and why we style our hair in certain ways and each face our own frustrations and exasperation, but I don't see the point in tearing down the other. If you want to educate others on why you choose your certain style and rave about the benefits and versatility, then great. We could all learn from that. But to spend time condemning the other..........????
And why has this bothered me? Because as black women we have so much more to worry about in our community and our public perception that THIS should NOT be the most prevalent topic of interest.....and definitely not divide us. Straight, braided or natural, the "white" community doesn't completely understand our hair anyway so this battle is just between us. I think we would be better served to uplift and support each other, regardless of hairstyle, because in the end....it's just hair.
Why do I say it's just hair.....because there are many women battling cancer or alopecia or other diseases and couldn't give a rat's tail about what's growing out of their scalp...but are concentrating on their health
Why do I say it's just hair.....because hair is a main component of why black women don't exercise
Why do I say it's just hair.....because you buy any kind of hair you want
Why do I say it's just hair..... because it doesn't make you a better or worse person
Why do I say it's just hair.....because in case you have a condition, it grows back
Why do I say it's just hair.....because it's YOUR head
Now, if we would jump on this bandwagon of health,diet and nutrition, or education, or empowering other women, forcing the media to portray positive examples........then we would have something going : )
By the way, huge kudos to BGR (Black Girls Run), National Coalition 100 Black Men and National Coalition of100 Black Women, National Urban League, Mocha Moms, Greek Fraternities and Sororities and all other organizations that work hard everyday to improve, educate and uplift their communities. And another huge kudos goes out to journalists and media groups who fairly represent all classes and races. We see you and appreciate you.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
8 Things Women just don't do Anymore
I read an article online earlier about the 8 thing women don't do anymore. It contained things like cooking, cleaning, fixing his plate, giving compliments, etc... And the comments from the men were all in agreement. Talking about the quality of the women today and how we need to be focused on those things and getting back to the old fashioned standards, back to the traditional responsibilities and attributes. Usually, these type of articles and comments don't bother me. I mean, it's an article written based on some one's life experiences or opinions or whatever and should be read for entertainment or educational purposes. If it applies to you and you want to change it, fine. If it doesn't apply to you, move on and be fine. It's just an article. But this particular one touched me in a weird way.
As background, I will give a little peek into how I was raised. My father was the breadwinner in my family, although my mother worked for a number of years. But my mother ran the household; paid the bills, cooked everyday, made my father's plate, washed and ironed his clothes, cleaned the house, EVERYTHING. My dad didn't even know where the iron was because he never had to iron a shirt. She was that traditional wife that the article talked about. So I understand the guys talking about wanting this kind of woman as a wife. Hell, I do too. LOL. But there is an underlying piece....my Daddy. As I mentioned before, he was the breadwinner. My mother worked, when she did, because she chose to, not because she had to. There were several years where she did not work : ). My father spoiled my mother....and I mean spoiled. The only thing he ever really said no to her about was a pond and a dog. Everything else was, let me work on it. Her dream house: done. Her Cadillac: done. Her wardrobe: banging.
So in my traditional value mindset, that's how it works. Of course you take care of your husband. You make sure he looks good, has something on his stomach, make sure he has a nice clean place to come home to and represent him well in public. YES!!! That needs to happen. In return, your husband protects and provides for you in a loving way. So I agree with the article, women should "return" to this traditional mindset. But here is what got me with the article, it didn't really explore the reasons WHY this change in culture had occurred or how men seek these qualities in women.
Here are a few reasons why I think this has occurred.....key word being THINK.........LOL
1. Fatherless daughters - there are a good number of women who didn't grow up with both father and mother in the household. They didn't constantly see an interaction between a man and woman in love. So the "training" for how to treat your husband was not there. In even worse cases, there was never a constant male figure in their life to positively look up to in a relationship with their mother.
2. Women in workforce/Income potential - women work just as many hours and contribute the same amount of income to the household as men do now. So the time devoted and energy to household chores has been cut. Because those traditions have changed and responsibility has been shared, it has become natural to anticipate that the household duties become shared as well. Sidenote: kids are much more busy today than we were so after going to the job working more than 40 hrs. a week, transporting kids to and fro, there just isn't the time in the day to cook and clean before the man gets home.
3. Play Marriage/No Title - we are entering "situationships" more and more so women are constantly confused as to the "privileges" the man gets.....sticky situations. Why should she cook, clean and dote on him when he's not showing they have a future together.....why not save that energy and effort for some one else???
4. Overly Metro-sexual men - the traditional expectation/perception of the man/husband is strong, hard-working, handy, not afraid to get his hands dirty, etc....we have a traditional "want" from our men as well. We want some one to cut the grass, take out the garbage, take care of the car and fix stuff in the house. But there have been an influx of men who don't value these traditions. They don't feel a need to take care of the woman in this way. There also have been an influx of men who are into fashion, beauty care treatments, and looking good as much as women. Not saying that there is anything wrong with a man taking pride in his appearance, but it honestly puts more pressure on the woman. The typical man notices when she puts effort into looking good, but the truly metro-sexual man will notice if she doesn't have the cutest shoes on, or hair isn't quite laid, or not all the way put together. So since he's not the traditional man, she doesn't feel she has to be the traditional woman.
5. Men don't have to Seek - outer appearance is understandably the first attraction a man has towards a woman......is he attracted to what he sees? Then comes all the intangibles. But the game has changed. It has become ok for women to approach and pursue men.....quite different from the traditional woman we hear about. And if she's a pretty and nice girl, sure...why not? He already knows she like him, so the fear of rejection isn't there. And who wouldn't be flattered by an attractive girl approaching you? The only issue is, the self selecting was done for him. He didn't seek out his ideal woman, one was appointed to him. So the skills, context clues, etc. of finding and attracting the "traditional" woman has not been done. I'm not saying a woman that approaches a man is not going to cook and clean and dote, but she's probably far from the traditional. And it's nothing wrong with that. He just can't blame a non traditional woman for not having traditional values.
We just have to be cognizant of a simple fact: You REALLY can't want your cake, eat it too AND expect not to gain weight or have to work out. There HAS to be some compromise and work put in, or it won't balance. From my perspective, if he wants that traditional woman who does the 8 things from the list, he has to bring some value to the table as well........for the right man, a LOT of non-traditional women will do some traditional things : ) I have seen it numerous times. So just because she doesn't start off a certain way, talk sweet to her, get her car washed and tires checked, send her a thinking of you text and watch how she whips up that favorite meal : )
And just because you were wondering, I love to cook but don't do it everyday, Find it difficult to just cook for me. Never felt a strong desire to consistently cook for a man, but it's something I'm committed to working on. I'm a clean person, but messy. As in, kitchen and bathroom will be sparkling but clothes will be strewn on bed. But Molly Maid keeps a mean house and is the best $90 a month I spend : ) I don't curse very much at all, I work out at least a couple of times every week, I like to dress up but also have a slum side......sometimes I just can't get it together. I think I'm just ok with the compliments - could definitely acknowledge more. I'm pretty good with anticipating needs and am super thoughtful.
As background, I will give a little peek into how I was raised. My father was the breadwinner in my family, although my mother worked for a number of years. But my mother ran the household; paid the bills, cooked everyday, made my father's plate, washed and ironed his clothes, cleaned the house, EVERYTHING. My dad didn't even know where the iron was because he never had to iron a shirt. She was that traditional wife that the article talked about. So I understand the guys talking about wanting this kind of woman as a wife. Hell, I do too. LOL. But there is an underlying piece....my Daddy. As I mentioned before, he was the breadwinner. My mother worked, when she did, because she chose to, not because she had to. There were several years where she did not work : ). My father spoiled my mother....and I mean spoiled. The only thing he ever really said no to her about was a pond and a dog. Everything else was, let me work on it. Her dream house: done. Her Cadillac: done. Her wardrobe: banging.
So in my traditional value mindset, that's how it works. Of course you take care of your husband. You make sure he looks good, has something on his stomach, make sure he has a nice clean place to come home to and represent him well in public. YES!!! That needs to happen. In return, your husband protects and provides for you in a loving way. So I agree with the article, women should "return" to this traditional mindset. But here is what got me with the article, it didn't really explore the reasons WHY this change in culture had occurred or how men seek these qualities in women.
Here are a few reasons why I think this has occurred.....key word being THINK.........LOL
1. Fatherless daughters - there are a good number of women who didn't grow up with both father and mother in the household. They didn't constantly see an interaction between a man and woman in love. So the "training" for how to treat your husband was not there. In even worse cases, there was never a constant male figure in their life to positively look up to in a relationship with their mother.
2. Women in workforce/Income potential - women work just as many hours and contribute the same amount of income to the household as men do now. So the time devoted and energy to household chores has been cut. Because those traditions have changed and responsibility has been shared, it has become natural to anticipate that the household duties become shared as well. Sidenote: kids are much more busy today than we were so after going to the job working more than 40 hrs. a week, transporting kids to and fro, there just isn't the time in the day to cook and clean before the man gets home.
3. Play Marriage/No Title - we are entering "situationships" more and more so women are constantly confused as to the "privileges" the man gets.....sticky situations. Why should she cook, clean and dote on him when he's not showing they have a future together.....why not save that energy and effort for some one else???
4. Overly Metro-sexual men - the traditional expectation/perception of the man/husband is strong, hard-working, handy, not afraid to get his hands dirty, etc....we have a traditional "want" from our men as well. We want some one to cut the grass, take out the garbage, take care of the car and fix stuff in the house. But there have been an influx of men who don't value these traditions. They don't feel a need to take care of the woman in this way. There also have been an influx of men who are into fashion, beauty care treatments, and looking good as much as women. Not saying that there is anything wrong with a man taking pride in his appearance, but it honestly puts more pressure on the woman. The typical man notices when she puts effort into looking good, but the truly metro-sexual man will notice if she doesn't have the cutest shoes on, or hair isn't quite laid, or not all the way put together. So since he's not the traditional man, she doesn't feel she has to be the traditional woman.
5. Men don't have to Seek - outer appearance is understandably the first attraction a man has towards a woman......is he attracted to what he sees? Then comes all the intangibles. But the game has changed. It has become ok for women to approach and pursue men.....quite different from the traditional woman we hear about. And if she's a pretty and nice girl, sure...why not? He already knows she like him, so the fear of rejection isn't there. And who wouldn't be flattered by an attractive girl approaching you? The only issue is, the self selecting was done for him. He didn't seek out his ideal woman, one was appointed to him. So the skills, context clues, etc. of finding and attracting the "traditional" woman has not been done. I'm not saying a woman that approaches a man is not going to cook and clean and dote, but she's probably far from the traditional. And it's nothing wrong with that. He just can't blame a non traditional woman for not having traditional values.
We just have to be cognizant of a simple fact: You REALLY can't want your cake, eat it too AND expect not to gain weight or have to work out. There HAS to be some compromise and work put in, or it won't balance. From my perspective, if he wants that traditional woman who does the 8 things from the list, he has to bring some value to the table as well........for the right man, a LOT of non-traditional women will do some traditional things : ) I have seen it numerous times. So just because she doesn't start off a certain way, talk sweet to her, get her car washed and tires checked, send her a thinking of you text and watch how she whips up that favorite meal : )
And just because you were wondering, I love to cook but don't do it everyday, Find it difficult to just cook for me. Never felt a strong desire to consistently cook for a man, but it's something I'm committed to working on. I'm a clean person, but messy. As in, kitchen and bathroom will be sparkling but clothes will be strewn on bed. But Molly Maid keeps a mean house and is the best $90 a month I spend : ) I don't curse very much at all, I work out at least a couple of times every week, I like to dress up but also have a slum side......sometimes I just can't get it together. I think I'm just ok with the compliments - could definitely acknowledge more. I'm pretty good with anticipating needs and am super thoughtful.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Advice to my Younger Self
This past weekend I had the experience of travelling to NY with a great group of ladies and had a blast!! From breathing the same air as Denzel as I watched him perform in "A Raisin in the Sun", to going thru the most thorough security check EVER in life to being accosted by a he/she, I have stories to TELL! But that's for another blog.
Today I want to talk about a conversation I had with the ladies this weekend. The trip was organized by a friend of mine who wanted to take her college-aged niece to NY for her first time and surround her with professional mid thirties to early forties women. At dinner one night, she asked us what would be our one piece of advice we would give to her niece as she embarks upon real womanhood and the adult working world. What things do we wish we would have known then, which is what inspires this blog post today. What advice would I have given 22 yr old Drea Nicole? After careful thought and consideration, here is my list:
1. Never tell your family how much or how little money you make; only leads to problems. From folks wanting to borrow money because "you got it" or folks commenting on the price of things YOU own, or, my all time favorite, folks just expecting you to contribute or do certain things that have NOTHING to do with you, to folks wondering why you paid so much for college only to do this........ The canned responses are "I'm comfortable" "I do alright" or "I can pay all my bills and have a little left over for me" This will save you a lot of uncomfortable conversations in the future. Sidenote: you get everything from Target on SALE
2. A year is a SHORT amount of time, don't worry about wasting it; I know that doesn't sound like you, but at 22 and 23 yrs old, its SOOOO true. And I don't mean to be lazy and unfocused and do NOTHING, but it's ok if you are not sure about something - you can give it a try for a yr. and if it doesn't work out, try something else. Or go on that risky endeavour for a year to see what happens. Do a mission trip if you desire, try acting on Broadway, move to Chicago cause you've always loved it, do it all. These are the things you can do young, because it's a completely different story at 30. And staying in that profession or company that you knew was a wrong fit at age 24, becomes WAAAY more complicated to leave at 33. It can be done, but there's so much more to consider by then
3. You don't know everything, and no one expects you to - you don't have to be perfect the first day on the job, and you don't have to pretend you understand completely when you don't have a clue. Ask questions, admit when you've made a mistake and ask for feedback on how to improve. Even more, you don't have to be combative or loud to prove you are right. Strategically communicate your ideas and evidence and it will be heard. It may take some time, but with consistency and persistence, it WILL be heard
4. Embrace living by yourself - You have no clue who you are yet. You always thought you were neat, turns out you were just considerate. You kept your place neat because you lived with others. You will learn SOOOO much about yourself that you never realized. You are scared to sleep in house by yourself so you keep tv on, you don't like wearing clothes in the house, you love to decorate and entertain......who knew?
5. Date for fun - No need to figure out how he'll work into your future plans, or wonder if you should date him because you may have to move in a few years; don't worry about ANY of that. Just date to have fun and meet new people. And stories to tell later :) And don't wait so late develop your vixen attitude...it will serve you well in your early 20's :)
6. Travel - go visit friends and family and go on girls trips......don't wait so long to discover this pleasure
7. Set goals and plans....don't let life just happen to you. Just because things are going well does not mean that you don't have to take an active part in planning your life. There is so much untapped potential inside of you, it just needs to be developed and honed. Use this time to develop that potential so you can run with it in your 30's
8. Spend time and energy on people and things that matter - this is probably one of those life lessons that you will just have to learn the hard way, but focus your time and energy on people that SHOW that you matter. Stop wasting it on people who won't even text you on your birthday. Focus your energy on things that matter to you; family, friends, volunteer activities......leave all the superficial things that people expect you to participate in alone; it's not meant for you. One of the hardest lessons you will have to learn
9. Ask an expert about life matters.....and they won't always be your parents - just because Daddy did it, doesn't mean it is the best thing for you to do. Ask some more questions about buying a house, having a credit card, leasing vs. financing a car. There may have been special circumstances in Daddy's life that had him make the decisions he did that don't apply to you. You need to establish credit, so you putting items on a credit card will actually HELP you in purchasing your home
10. Embrace fear - you are a pretty calm and positive person, so when you're scared, it's usually because you are being pushed out of your comfort zone. GO FOR IT!!! That's where you learn and grow. Apply for that role, volunteer for that committee, speak up at that meeting......even at a young age, you have a lot of insight to offer and a lot to contribute
Today I want to talk about a conversation I had with the ladies this weekend. The trip was organized by a friend of mine who wanted to take her college-aged niece to NY for her first time and surround her with professional mid thirties to early forties women. At dinner one night, she asked us what would be our one piece of advice we would give to her niece as she embarks upon real womanhood and the adult working world. What things do we wish we would have known then, which is what inspires this blog post today. What advice would I have given 22 yr old Drea Nicole? After careful thought and consideration, here is my list:
1. Never tell your family how much or how little money you make; only leads to problems. From folks wanting to borrow money because "you got it" or folks commenting on the price of things YOU own, or, my all time favorite, folks just expecting you to contribute or do certain things that have NOTHING to do with you, to folks wondering why you paid so much for college only to do this........ The canned responses are "I'm comfortable" "I do alright" or "I can pay all my bills and have a little left over for me" This will save you a lot of uncomfortable conversations in the future. Sidenote: you get everything from Target on SALE
2. A year is a SHORT amount of time, don't worry about wasting it; I know that doesn't sound like you, but at 22 and 23 yrs old, its SOOOO true. And I don't mean to be lazy and unfocused and do NOTHING, but it's ok if you are not sure about something - you can give it a try for a yr. and if it doesn't work out, try something else. Or go on that risky endeavour for a year to see what happens. Do a mission trip if you desire, try acting on Broadway, move to Chicago cause you've always loved it, do it all. These are the things you can do young, because it's a completely different story at 30. And staying in that profession or company that you knew was a wrong fit at age 24, becomes WAAAY more complicated to leave at 33. It can be done, but there's so much more to consider by then
3. You don't know everything, and no one expects you to - you don't have to be perfect the first day on the job, and you don't have to pretend you understand completely when you don't have a clue. Ask questions, admit when you've made a mistake and ask for feedback on how to improve. Even more, you don't have to be combative or loud to prove you are right. Strategically communicate your ideas and evidence and it will be heard. It may take some time, but with consistency and persistence, it WILL be heard
4. Embrace living by yourself - You have no clue who you are yet. You always thought you were neat, turns out you were just considerate. You kept your place neat because you lived with others. You will learn SOOOO much about yourself that you never realized. You are scared to sleep in house by yourself so you keep tv on, you don't like wearing clothes in the house, you love to decorate and entertain......who knew?
5. Date for fun - No need to figure out how he'll work into your future plans, or wonder if you should date him because you may have to move in a few years; don't worry about ANY of that. Just date to have fun and meet new people. And stories to tell later :) And don't wait so late develop your vixen attitude...it will serve you well in your early 20's :)
6. Travel - go visit friends and family and go on girls trips......don't wait so long to discover this pleasure
7. Set goals and plans....don't let life just happen to you. Just because things are going well does not mean that you don't have to take an active part in planning your life. There is so much untapped potential inside of you, it just needs to be developed and honed. Use this time to develop that potential so you can run with it in your 30's
8. Spend time and energy on people and things that matter - this is probably one of those life lessons that you will just have to learn the hard way, but focus your time and energy on people that SHOW that you matter. Stop wasting it on people who won't even text you on your birthday. Focus your energy on things that matter to you; family, friends, volunteer activities......leave all the superficial things that people expect you to participate in alone; it's not meant for you. One of the hardest lessons you will have to learn
9. Ask an expert about life matters.....and they won't always be your parents - just because Daddy did it, doesn't mean it is the best thing for you to do. Ask some more questions about buying a house, having a credit card, leasing vs. financing a car. There may have been special circumstances in Daddy's life that had him make the decisions he did that don't apply to you. You need to establish credit, so you putting items on a credit card will actually HELP you in purchasing your home
10. Embrace fear - you are a pretty calm and positive person, so when you're scared, it's usually because you are being pushed out of your comfort zone. GO FOR IT!!! That's where you learn and grow. Apply for that role, volunteer for that committee, speak up at that meeting......even at a young age, you have a lot of insight to offer and a lot to contribute
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
And if "IF" were a fifth, we'd ALL be Drunk
As I was getting my hair done the other day, I mentioned to my stylist that I would be going to Jamaica soon. He asked who was travelling with me and I told him 3 of my girlfriends :) He asked, "No men? Ya’ll go on a lot of girl's trips, where can a guy take you?" I didn't know how to answer this question.......not because I couldn't think of at least a dozen places I'd like to go with a boo, but because I struggle to see how one has to do with the other. And he is not the first person to share these sentiments; I hear it quite often actually. And not just about my girl trips, but about my purchase of a home, my bougie habits, etc.... The premise being that because I am treating myself now, when a partner enters my life, he won't have anything to add because I've seen and done so much already. (insert confused face here). And my confusion comes because of 2 reasons 1)why couldn't we continue to enjoy and build and encounter new experiences? I mean really, there are sooo many things/experiences that could be enhanced by a partner and sooo many ideas/places I haven't even thought of yet. The least of my concerns is what we will do together or what he can add to my life.........that list is ENORMOUS!!! But also 2)am I supposed to choose a mate to add material things to my life? Or am I supposed to choose a partner who loves, encourages, protects, and provides for me? Because I really don't understand how my trips, house, bougie trinkets affect my accessibility to a partner. I could see if I was boasting about it (side note: which would be ridiculous by the way - not discounting my blessings but it's FAR from the lifestyles of the rich and famous) but I'm just living, as I assume he is as well.
This thinking raises concerns for me because I believe we get caught up in thinking that providing is purely financial. So, he has to provide the house, the trips, the jewelry and cars and such.....and all of that is nice, do not get me wrong, but that ain't all. I used to know a dude who offered (on many occasions) to buy/provide the phone service that transfers your house calls to your cell phone. I TRIED to explain that I did not want that because I had a home office and did not want my work calls going to my personal cell phone. But he NEVER offered to change my light bulb that was clearly out in my house (he alerted me of this fact) even after I explained that I was afraid of the high ladder needed to change it. He was so caught up on ways to provide for me financially (evidenced by his house & car owning tour) that he failed at basic provisions. (side note- I also wondered at what kind of cell phone plan did he have that calling my TN cell phone number was "long distance" for him & why he didn't like to call my cell during the day & preferred the house phone?? was this the okie doke?) This could be a symptom of the gold digger epidemic....are we all taught to look for men to provide $$$ so that becomes our only interest? Hmmmmmm........
But thoughts like this not only affect dating but other aspects of our lives. How often do we put off doing something we want to do now because we are waiting for the "right" time? I'm not going to the beach until I lose 20lbs; I'm not going to see that movie until I have someone to go with: I'm going to wait for a special occasion to use these new plates-LOL; These may all seem like small examples but they point to bigger moves and thoughts in our life. We get that dreaded disease of the "iff-onlies". You know the disease...that nagging voice in your head that sounds a little like a mix of an old Jewish grandmother and a 3 yr. old throwing a tantrum. "if only I were smarter, I would apply for this new role I saw" or "if only I were smaller, I'd go to my reunion" and "if only I were prettier, I'd dress up more often" and the list goes on. Now let's be clear, goal setting is great :) If you want to lose 15 lbs. in time for beach season and reunion, then by all means set it and go for your goal, but don't let something as insignificant as a number on a scale stop you from living your life!! Because it's just going to pass you by while you're waiting on the sidelines. So don't question me as I go on my girl trips, try different classes, do community service, and set financial and health goals.......better yet, go ahead and question it, I'll be too busy DOING to even hear :)
By the way, I'm the person who USES the guest towels and good china :) I very rarely "save" an outfit and think most occasions where people who care for one another get together is special
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Break Babies
Hey Y'all :)...........all three of y'all. LOL! Guess what? I'm back!! I know it's been a while but the inspiration has to hit me to blog and I've just been empty lately. This winter has just been so COLD...just disrespectful. But Spring is trying to peep around the corner and the fever has hit.....I'm ready to write.
Today I want to chat with you about break babies. This topic has been top of mind for me since Dwayne Wade and Ludacris just announced their break babies a few months ago. Let me explain what a break baby is for those of you that may be new to the term. A break baby is the baby that is conceived with another partner when a couple goes on "break". I guess we need to define what "break" is too.......
But to define break is more difficult, at least for me. Generally speaking, if you ask a woman what a break is, she would tell you that it is a time of reflection to decide and evaluate where a relationship is going, etc, etc, etc. (insert confused face here) Now, generally speaking, if you ask a guy what a break is, he would tell you that he is single....PERIOD. It ain't no reflection time, no figuring out feelings, none of that. He is single. So the first issue with taking a "break" from a relationship is that there is a possibility of the parties having a different interpretation of what this break means. Which leads to the second issue: when a girl goes on a "break" or arrives at the end of a relationship, she buys ice cream, calls up her girlfriend(s) and has an emotional catharsis. She is not thinking about other guys...she needs time to heal or time to think or time to do whatever it is that we do. LOL. She just can't handle dealing with another guy until she is sure about her feelings, and has had closure, or tried to reconcile. But it seems to be different for the guy......he's just single. And the biggest advantage to being single is this: he gets to sleep with whomever he wants. PERIOD. So while we're lamenting and crying and being all emotional, he's being single. It's probably been a while since he tried something new. LOL.
So that's how these "break babies" come into play. i.e. Luda and DWade. And while we say what we would and wouldn't do if that happened to us, it really doesn't matter. To each his own. The more interesting spin to me is; what if the woman had a break baby? Would DWade still be around if Gabby turned up pregnant from "break"? Even better still, would Tyrone take me back if he suspected that during our "break" I exercised my single card? And again, I'm generally speaking, but the answer is probably not.
So why go on break? Why do we women feel the need to do this? I think what we are saying is that we need time to figure out if this is really right for us and where do we want this relationship to go, blah, blah, blah. LOL. And I think that time of reflection is healthy and needed. I am a deeply introspective person and have all kinds of random revelations. And I think men do the same, except in a different way. We HAVE to talk about it...they don't. Do you think there is a way we can do this without going on "break"? Has some one ever went on "break" with you and didn't even tell you? I think this happens a LOT......LOL. You know it does......he doesn't call as much, he doesn't spend any prime time with you, the aggravated voice, the broken promises, etc... And this may be a completely different blog topic, but dudes are good for keeping you around, even when they KNOW they aren't feeling you like that anymore. Just no need to get rid of the benefits until something better comes around...anyway, that's another time :)
No grand insight today or words of wisdom or top 10 list, just random thoughts and musings to ponder and discuss amongst friends :) Chat with ya soon!
Today I want to chat with you about break babies. This topic has been top of mind for me since Dwayne Wade and Ludacris just announced their break babies a few months ago. Let me explain what a break baby is for those of you that may be new to the term. A break baby is the baby that is conceived with another partner when a couple goes on "break". I guess we need to define what "break" is too.......
But to define break is more difficult, at least for me. Generally speaking, if you ask a woman what a break is, she would tell you that it is a time of reflection to decide and evaluate where a relationship is going, etc, etc, etc. (insert confused face here) Now, generally speaking, if you ask a guy what a break is, he would tell you that he is single....PERIOD. It ain't no reflection time, no figuring out feelings, none of that. He is single. So the first issue with taking a "break" from a relationship is that there is a possibility of the parties having a different interpretation of what this break means. Which leads to the second issue: when a girl goes on a "break" or arrives at the end of a relationship, she buys ice cream, calls up her girlfriend(s) and has an emotional catharsis. She is not thinking about other guys...she needs time to heal or time to think or time to do whatever it is that we do. LOL. She just can't handle dealing with another guy until she is sure about her feelings, and has had closure, or tried to reconcile. But it seems to be different for the guy......he's just single. And the biggest advantage to being single is this: he gets to sleep with whomever he wants. PERIOD. So while we're lamenting and crying and being all emotional, he's being single. It's probably been a while since he tried something new. LOL.
So that's how these "break babies" come into play. i.e. Luda and DWade. And while we say what we would and wouldn't do if that happened to us, it really doesn't matter. To each his own. The more interesting spin to me is; what if the woman had a break baby? Would DWade still be around if Gabby turned up pregnant from "break"? Even better still, would Tyrone take me back if he suspected that during our "break" I exercised my single card? And again, I'm generally speaking, but the answer is probably not.
So why go on break? Why do we women feel the need to do this? I think what we are saying is that we need time to figure out if this is really right for us and where do we want this relationship to go, blah, blah, blah. LOL. And I think that time of reflection is healthy and needed. I am a deeply introspective person and have all kinds of random revelations. And I think men do the same, except in a different way. We HAVE to talk about it...they don't. Do you think there is a way we can do this without going on "break"? Has some one ever went on "break" with you and didn't even tell you? I think this happens a LOT......LOL. You know it does......he doesn't call as much, he doesn't spend any prime time with you, the aggravated voice, the broken promises, etc... And this may be a completely different blog topic, but dudes are good for keeping you around, even when they KNOW they aren't feeling you like that anymore. Just no need to get rid of the benefits until something better comes around...anyway, that's another time :)
No grand insight today or words of wisdom or top 10 list, just random thoughts and musings to ponder and discuss amongst friends :) Chat with ya soon!
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